Aw @BlueBay
Don't feel bad - you are here and speak your mind - reaching out for help when you are struggling and you have been for months - and you do ask how I am from time to time
But you have so much happening in your life - you have to care for yourself first and it is good that you are doing that - I do believe that is what these forums are all about - people asking for the help they need and those who are able responding from the strength they have gain through their own lives and the help they have received from their own resources - and through the activity on these boards.
You feel you don't know what to say - that's pretty normal - no everyone has the gift of the gab - but as someone suggested write three comments to help people on your good days - and that's just on your good days - that would not be on your bad days -
And I feel we really know you - you have openned up to us - and all I read is people really caring - and no one can talk about you behind your back here - at least I don't know how anyone can do that in such a well moderated site - I think if people really had bad thoughts they would just not post - but plenty of people post
When I am not up to posting - I don't come in - I might read the mail without deleting it - yesterday I had a crappy day - I had nothing at all to give - and I really didn't have anything to share either - I felt like a turtle pulled into its shell and totally closed off - and some days I am busy and don't have time to get into the computer - boy - one thing this site is really good for is helping people to fill in their time in a socially helpful way - I find that is true for myself anyway
We all need love, care and attention - it is a human condition - one purpose of our lives is to love and be loved - to nurture and to be nurtured. It depends on the continuum of these needs as to where we are when it comes to giving and receiving -
Personally - I think you are a very kind and sensitive person - and you have been badly hurt - and when someone as close as your own family members have abused you in any way - and esp the way your mother treated you - it is hard to realise that most people do not feel that way toward you - that most people are kind and decent without a need to strike out and hurt you - and do not have negative thoughts about you
And - here's the thing - as you come out of the shell you have used to protect yourself all these years you are finding th world and it stings you at times - and you have yet to grow the shell that will protect you - you don't have to worry about people being angry with you or hating your or talking about you
My Gran used to say - "What the eye does not see the heart does not grieve over" and I have lived by this my whole life. What we do know can cause us grief - but that's not bad either
Give your self time - when the Titanic was sinking do you think people worried about other people when they were getting themselves into the lifeboats? Oh yes - they cared about those they loved but when it came to getting a boat - they got into one as fast as possible. I wasn't there but I read about that analogy years ago and love it
So - go for your life boat girl - we are busy doing the same - so we are among those you love and those you love you
Dec [hugs]
