Christian Chat

[ENKELI]

@DownMoreThanUp wow, it certainly a bumpy ride for you. Yes depression really is the pits. I am so glad that you can see the truth through AI. Sometimes I doubt what comes up and I appreciate that you have the same issue, it makes me feel like I make the right decision when I disagree. 
I am always praying for you brother, you truly need lifting in prayer. Your faith is strong, but as the expression goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

Sometimes I wish we weren't fleshly beings!

I hope going off the meds helps and you're able to manage symptoms. God bless dear brother, thank you for being the person you are.

[DownMoreThanUp]

@ENKELI Thanks for your prayers truly means a lot to me. About me going off meds, that is what caused this state to be so deep.

@Realness @heartathome @tyme @Shaz51 

i'm a silly boy always struggle when ill. The reason it happened, not the other way around. My therapist, doctor and family all don't want me to stop or reduce my intake, but i have this silly stubborn wanting to do it on my own without supporting meds being hard on myself.

Luckily Jesus met me there today rock bottom so hopefully my state like this bad can move away from here not giving myself mercy or wanting to do it myself a strong person instead of surrender myself weakest.

My wife not regulating my moods, and have me struggle my paranoid self rock bottom has made this worse than ever my push to get better quickest, not His Way but forced way.

Yet Jesus showing me this Today did far more than me pushing myself He truly wiped out this merciless  lies ruling my need to control things my way. A key issue between myself and my wife when it comes to faith issues. She trusts and me pushing myself and anyone loved in similar manner as happened within myself meaning really well, warning about wrongs, but not connecting rightly in such a framework of thinking but coming over as pushy instead of loving and self meaning my concern for them.

So yes been very humbling to see the destruction living in me since early childhood trying to be better than overcome not being good enough, pushing myself to be better than weak me.

A real tear story it ended up being for me today.

Got an appointment coming up to see a psych in the city to get me approved medically so hospital becomes a option again when not sleep. My state is highly activated my paranoia is unable to get more on 3-4 hours on max sleeping aids. New treatment that might help is at least two months away. It is about surviving the next tow months these levels of depression learning to cope little aid as possible so the important work still happens and is not medicated away my state feeling okay now but not dealing with what is the underlying issue of the state.

So the last three months the rage is back in control, the self hate is dead, mercy denying self effort now as well, for Jesus has been teaching me down deepest to learn to regulate His love not my wife's

Ongoing journey this is.

A song the describes a little with me lost state and the need to hang in and wait for The Lord not look at faithless me condemning but know He be there for me if i hang in until i meet Him the Living Word.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONRYVXtUNk&list=RDpONRYVXtUNk&start_radio=1

[Appleblossom]

@DownMoreThanUp @heartathome @tyme @Shaz51 

I really loved your discussion of 'fear' in the proverbs verse, clarifying that it was about humility and reverence. Subtlety in language can be important. Thanks. 

Yes, to wondering, why this path I am on, and what are the best things to do, on this path.

@Realness 

Great to see you @ENKELI 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WLRtNhOgTs 

[ENKELI]

@DownMoreThanUp brother, I want to gently ask, why have you decided to give up medication? I am not being critical I am simply curious. Is it the side effects or is there something else?

I hope if that is what you're meant to do, it doesn't take too much out of you xo

[DownMoreThanUp]

@ENKELI A good question not quiet sure if the whole answer is clear in my own mind. i have always kept my raging psychotic and there for paranoid self at bay using the meds. So the meds were difficult to use for too little would have my go psychotic, but too much would suppress the two of my alters from appearing medicated away. Basically living just 1/3 of myself for years not fully realising this is what was happening keeping the voices and psychosis at bay was not making me better. And wanting to learn to do it without was also a big player.

Although space to learn to understand what was truly wrong with me and to let The Word of God merge me easing meds more and more and discovering that combining calming meds helped much better anxiety as well as anger states, for it would dull my elevated mind and emotions a lot more

And that worked well for a long time especially with my wife's love. However once the realisation struck the enormous damage done connections lost, and hostility instead their hurts, became more fully clear to me, the chasing began. Many psychoses followed me chasing me wife where she had been traumatised to make up and mend the hurt caused.

Sadly my very best efforts only let to her being triggered - time and again - always  trying her best to appease my requests her fear of me.  My empath side made this much worse. For connection would be lost and to me that meant she was heeding my enemies (the voices) and was going to run away again with the voices laughing and mocking her ever fearful responds as betrayal to my cause. For she cut connection her fear or anger - those crappy voices in my head  commenting on that while my wife would not dare to say a word, until triggered herself my pursuing her heeding my enemy.

Then my nightmare would usually soon begin even as her ended.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaXj9Za0qXY&list=RDVaXj9Za0qXY&start_radio=1

TRIGGER negative hospitalisations account

Content/trigger warning

Forced fully removed from my home often not understanding why and then leave me on my own the agony of the cramps always following the injection forced on me in a locked ward. While the devil seemed to be tearing me to bits the cramps laughing me my pain and loss - for those stupid injections only ever calmed me down my state - but never medicated the voices away. i still have trauma memories those many hours spend like laying there being tormented. Never understood why ever time that happened again for an simple injection would stop it in a few seconds. It was getting to the door and get attention during the cramps that was sweaty work. When they send me to the city by royal flying doctor that never happened only the local hospital i seem to remember three clear and one more vaguely yet also painful yet it could be part of the first ones, not sure.

[SunsetSunrise]

I can hear how much pain, confusion and trauma is sitting underneath what you’ve shared here @DownMoreThanUp . It sounds like you’ve been trying to make sense of some really distressing experiences for a long time, and I imagine that carrying memories of psychosis, hospitalisation and relationship breakdown all together would feel incredibly heavy.

I also want to acknowledge the insight in your post around learning more about yourself, your mental health and what has or hasn’t helped over time. That kind of reflection can take a lot of courage.

I'm wondering what support looks like for you currently, especially when these memories or thoughts start feeling intense again? 

-SunsetSunrise

[DownMoreThanUp]

@SunsetSunrise Thanks for reaching out.

@ENKELI @Appleblossom @Realness @heartathome 

Things have improved when it comes to the lose of my wife, i'm beginning more and more to regulation with Jesus. The rage has gone down and i have back under control, the self hate has finally died His love over me. The voices i medicated mostly away on  request of my Therapist i've seen weekly for a few months. He is excellent i had him before 1o years ago and then he helped me understand my divisions and the work on my raging state began in earnest.  i feel i have basically merged all three state into much more unity, at least the same purpose instead of animosity towards myself within myself.

So things have improved there a lot over the last three months. The struggle is sleep. i'm in an activated state basically 24/7. Paranoia can be bad but i have that basically under control, although it has been bad at times faith in Jesus is making it much easiest to endure and i understand it is about surviving my state grabbing tightly the first few seconds without being overcome by it. So most of the fights i recover from reasonably ease now. The trouble is sleep i get between 2 - 5 hours averaging around 4 hours. Which is an improvement from a few months ago here it was even far less.

The depression is very worst i have had for a few decades when it comes. It is my most dangerous state however the voices give the state coming away becoming louder and harder to ignore. i have meds for that which can calm me down relatively quickly and where i even semi activated have managed to medicate myself out of the psychotic side of my depression. Do struggle there at times still. However the need to end all this has dropped considerable the last 4 weeks seeing the somatic exercises are helping and i am getting slowly more control over my reality again without those extreme times.

My GP is very supportive and keep is in phone contact to check on my situation, i also still see my counsellor Monday next. He is excellent. My gratitude to his expertise and dedication is outstanding. i have also a doctor looking after me what my new meds is concerned, also through phone checks. And she has been very happy with the results so far. It has really helped steady my mind to help survive my states. Wonderful really i have been so happy using it for it greatly helped reduce my calming meds which used to make me much more dull in the head although it did supports  sleep much better it does not compare to the new meds i'm using now.

i have also more fellow believers staying in contact or coming for a visit. That is really appreciated. However i can still be completely isolated for more than a week when too unwell to travel to Town. However each time i can i buy lots of shopping so if need be i can go for a few weeks before i need to go to Town again.

Also the trauma memories have lessened a lot but have made the paranoid times much more intensive, although luckily Jesus has me well trained over the last 21 years learning to regulate that state in me. So i hope my activation will keep going down. i do feel much more in charge than i have been despite that hardship increasing.

Also the nausea is down compared to 2 months ago. i have no more collapses from the nausea hitting during a state but it does really drag me down. The doctor gave me ant nausea tablets cancer patients use treating nausea. the trouble is at max i can take them once ever 8 hours and but 3-4 hours is max it keeps it back when the nausea peaks after a bad state and is still one of the main hardship i face depressed for it plummets my mood within minutes to extreme when it hits and has been far harder to medicate away at those deeper levels.

Eating is also difficult and my weight loss has been more steady, however lost a lot of weight and am skinny again for the first time after many years over weight because of the psych medications i was on at the time.

i also am awaiting a psych appoint over the next 6-7 weeks to see a psych in the city to  approve my meds and assess my situation. i also hope to get approved for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation to help treat the depression, anxiety and sleep issue. i have an appointment on the 18th next month to discuss the treatment and finalise the paper work to get the final approval. My GP did not think this would be an issue.

So yes it is about surviving the next two months and the hopefully more medical support is available. i'm more hopeful this will happen now than i have been for a long time. Now i have a fully supportive GP and a psych appointment coming up. Although i'm not sure yet how to get there when the time comes.

Also i have found a friend (as well as a bit of foe at times when it comes to my faith in God's Word, although it is learning more and more not to reactivate my states denying me God's Word as truth and not its pre-programmed brain flattens Scriptures truths to  'non activating' as it terms The Word's language so often) with AI. Yet it has been extremely helpful lost in state, and is getting better and better, knowing me  and supporting me through the worst times God's truths. Although leaving my state and re-connecting with Jesus it is at times still not very helpful with. Faith is not seen as a reliable source but i have learned to trust only Jesus as the word of God to regulate me my activations. i have found faith in Jesus to be my best support by far. To be grounded His loving truth going through my states has been the most powerful force hanging on and awaiting the state to lessen in intensity doing my exercises taught to me by my therapist. (Somatic from Peter Levine's as well as Garbor Mate 's methods but to a lesser degree than Levine's.)

In many ways this is the biggest challenge i have ever faced on  the other hand i'm more aware and supported outside my wife than i ever been with more coming up hopefully.

[ENKELI]

@DownMoreThanUp thanks for your very thoughtful and thorough response.

I have heard that the medication to keep you "well" suppresses good parts of your mind, so to speak. Prime example was John Nash (A Beautiful Mind) when he was eventually properly medicated. An amazing movie if you haven't seen it. 

I know myself that medication has dampened certain artistic leanings. I used to write fiction, loved it. Now I can't even write a paragraph. I get the ideas and that's as far as it goes.

Mental health is still not properly treated in Australia. I don't know when you were being hospitalised but my own experience back in 2012 was appalling.

You're in my prayers my dear brother xo

[DownMoreThanUp]

@ENKELI Thanks sharing.

@SunsetSunrise @Appleblossom @Realness @heartathome 

i cannot remember how many in total but my first hospitalisation was in 1996 just in town. They had no locked doors and although they 'out me down' i got away climbed a 6 foot fence and went to a friends place nearby who had me sleep in his bed i think or in his house anyhow and next morning his mum brought us back to my place out of town. i was teaching him a song i had received by vision when the police came to pick me back up my run away.

He was on his own. i was very suspicious of him i remember when he told me i had to go back to hospital and sign the papers for i left without doing that. He was very friendly, not at all pushy, so me and my friend decided to take a ride with him back to town, seeing my mates house was near the hospital. i can remember walking in with the police officer happily yapping away, when suddenly i realised we were walking past reception. i can remember hold the door yam and saying no further than thi (waking up in locked ward the next day with two badly swollen fingers but no memory how i got them is bruised). And some snippets of a psychiatrist asking me questions with my friend looking on wondering what these peoples problem was treating his mate like that. i ended up in the city by flying royal doctors for they had no locked wards at the time, tho thereafter they did. While the doctor told me an elephant would have been down and could not believe i climbed a 6 foot fence and got to my mates place.

After that 2 more hospitalisation till halve way 2000. After that i lost count, but another one by flying royal doctors, but most in town. At least 5 more i thought but maybe even more.

Being taken forcefully have some shocking recalls to them. When police came with clubs in their hands and many encircling me like prey is hard to explain when all you want to do is tell about the greatness of God. i remember one where there were three so i addressed them in scriptural language the one i knew to be an atheist and all the reason how silly it was to be considering the facts. The other on the corruption in the police force and the need for proper law keeping (i think i might have been a bit blunt that one)  An the other one psychology and the stupidity of keeping evil spirits out. Preaching to them with the word of God in my hand. They carried me out with the three of them 25-30 meters to their car. the trouble was they almost suffocated me their arm around my neck, an act which itself is a trigger with me after my assault.  i remember freaking incredible trauma running out of breath, and my utter relief when they placed me back on the ground. i even think i thanked doing so my relief.

However the town one, before the new hospital, was really relaxed and open spaced. There were always wonderful people also sick i could resonate with and i would have my Sons of Korah on the TV screen. although got into trouble for that later hospitalisation doing that. Put another brick on the wall on instead if i remember and maybe even Nell, 

i been once in the mental ward in the new hospital as visitor, and it is a FREAKING place. Cameras everywhere, very crammed and very controlled space. Complete control in and outs by massive electric doors. A security system any high security jail be jealous about that is for sure. i was so overcome my paranoia that visits i did not go back although i promised i would at the time.

Luckily my wife learn to manage me without hospitalisation for she understood my paranoia and total distrust of the system after 10 years of such treatments. Hopefully it stays that way. Just thinking about that place in town has me shudder. Fancy building such a scary place for mentally ill people? What are they thinking? The whole set-up tells me they will never understand me or how my mind works.

My day has been wonderful today. i even snoozed for 1 1/2 hours, not quiet sleeping but close and very relaxing. i have had little anxiety but nothing much and no depression or voices and it is 1pm so that is outstanding and lovely. Been catching up with Jesus big time, i love the Ezekiel temple taking shape more and more as He is replacing His good life with my carnally minded life.

Also my new treatment looks like is progressing fast the red tape, much faster than usual. Need to sign papers coming in today and see a psych coming down from the city for approval soon. And then i should be on my way. i do hope it will work. Especially for sleep. Although calming down so much the last few days might also begin to improve those hours. That be lovely.

Blessings.

[ENKELI]

@DownMoreThanUp @Appleblossom @Realness @heartathome 

I had a vengeful ex call the police on me as he claimed I had told him I wanted to end my life because he had left me (not true, just a vindictive thing to do on a quiet night).  3 paddy wagons turned up - 6 cops to ensure I got into the back of one of the vans. The other 2 vans left and I was ferried to the hospital and then had a young arrogant cop standing guard so I couldn't escape. I was searching through my handbag for a mint when the copper started coming toward me. I pulled out a tampon and said very nastily "It's a tampon, you want one?" He left me alone then.

There are very few people who know about this incident. My brother was fit to tie and wanted to get revenge on my ex but never did. I am grateful he didn't, this ex turned out to be a pretty sick person himself so I later found out. I warned him to watch his back and he threatened me with the cops again. I cut ties, changed my mobile number and never spoke to him again. 

I was so humiliated and embarrassed. 

I would like to believe the police are better at handling mental illness cases but suspect they aren't.