NEED HELP WITH RAGE!

[PeppiPatty]

That was my fault and no I didn't mean this. I've got my own stuff happening here.
I didn't mean that you are a nutter I meant that your bosses are nutters.

[Change123]

@PeppiPatty

Sorry for going off but it didnt come across that way - understand - all is good!

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @Change123

YOu have no idea how much this message you sent means to me. 

Thank you.

Once I sent ithe message off to you.......,I thought oh dear I wonder if it was worded properly but I was very tired and went to bed.

If you were my  relative who had BPD...they would not let it go and also......speak to me as if my words were like a brick wall. 

EVeryone makes mistakes and how you handled it made my day :0) 

[Change123]

@PeppiPatty

I know I'm breaking my boundary but thought it was important as you still seem upset.

Please dont feel bad I am truly over it and understand.  I too if I'm tired or upset can often view my writing as I want it (ie. words in my head) but sometimes when I take a second look I think "oops that didnt come out right".  The only only thing that made me think it was directed at me was the "sorry for writing this" at the end.  I too feel bad for making you feel bad!!  LOL great bunch arent we!!!

I guess I was a bit oversensative about it this morning but fortunately I made myself wait before I replied the first time.  I guess my anxiety is up because I will have my performance review any day, knowing my luck on my birthday next week..... 

As I said my strategy for this is during the review I will not react or respond, if they tell me to I will say "I would like to think about my response very seriously tonight and will advise tomorrow" that way I'm not reducing myself to her level, acting like a mature adult and making her wait for a change. Anyway I will keep scouring the job boards, hopefully by end of Feb will be more when all the businesses are full swing.

Lets just put this behind us now and as far as I'm concerned it never happened!

PS you insights are always valuable to me and please dont let this stop you respondong to me, next time I know to just check if I dont know what you mean BEFORE I go off.

[Appleblossom]

Love your profile pic ... the silver lining .. clouds .. of the moon .. or planet ... @Change123 You are really clear with goals and boundaries .. 

3 phase @PeppiPatty

I have been interested in Tesla for a while.

did I tell you a neighbour showed me his electric car???

[PeppiPatty]

is he/she your neighbour still @Appleblossom ? How cool is that !! 

What an interesting character he is ! 

How is your son @Appleblossom ? 

Is @Neb still around ?

[Change123]

@Appleblossom Thanks

Yes I'm a bit of a science geek love astronomy and love dreamy sun set pics.

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Change123

Your talk is good for me. I have not met a person suffering times of BPD that are so focused on reducing the normal  Borderline Personality Behaviour day to day symptoms......the one who leaves me wide eyed is my relative who is so intelligent and does not care about how they are perceived.

Since I've been focusing and regulating  my medication, and I'm on a lot of it, I have been noticing that I have more time to care for other people's feelngs around me and I see their bad behaviour. This means I'm more able to pick and choose who is safe to hang out with. Before medication, I was like a plastic bag blowing in the breeze. 

I have got effects from a head injury when I was 16....I was in a coma for 6 weeks and I worked really hard to get better. Im also a fulltime carer for my husband and I cared for my son who had /has a brain tumour in his head ....everything just a little too much at my age of youth, Im only 49 years old. 

My youngest son is now on medication but he is 22 years old and he has become from highly neurotic       (thinking everything is his fault) and suicidal to being caring and more selective in what he says and does......

I can only pray and hope that my oldest son who is bipolar decides to take his medication because he is having a difficult time of it and even though he sees a Psychotherapist, it feels like he needs that top up. 

I know that they both have issues: we have all discussed where I went wrong. I havent always been a good Mum. I'm upfront about that but I think it's really important to be able to say sorry.

Something like " Hey son, I messed up, If you need to  talk about it, I'm here. Then become a good parent right now. It doesnt matter how old your children are but to give them that oppertunity to see that your sorry, to accept the criticism and get through it. 

Their FAther used to be a very very bad person to me and  in front of them at a very young age. I knew that they would both suffer when the memories came back when they were in their early 20s...I didnt realise it was going to be so hard. 

Sorry to go on about myself........

Thanks again from before, I'm not upset about upsetting you anymore but more like: realising that you have a grip on yourself and your body unlike the relative I have to acts nothing like you. 

PP

this is of an inventor Tesla. HE invented three face power. among other things....... he had a lot of patents...

[Appleblossom]

@PeppiPatty

I was glad to see @Neb after all this time... and I think about @kenny66 and @mandy84 and of course @Jacques and others.

Its weird the way the posts jumped around on the forum .. you can see it in the sequence as I mentioned

"3 phase" (not 3 face) responding to your Tesla post, but now my post is before your Tesla post.. never mind .. forum glitch .. just noting it.

I dont like to talk over others or tag too many poeple when posting, cos I do try and have some continuity with the various threads & conversations... eg I think what @Change123 is doing is really important ... being honest about rage .. not burying it in shame or pretence .. and clearly working it through ... as my brother was possibly a BPD and I have looked into a lot for myself .. they usually presume BPD people dont follow through .. I find @Change123 's attitude about it responsible, open and learning and actually remarkable.

[Change123]

@PeppiPatty

thanks for your post, you truly have a lot on your plate but thank you for the kind words it helps on days like today when not feeling too good about myself.

@Appleblossom

Thanks for your comments too, I dont feel like I'm doing such a great job but thanks it helps.

Sorry not so positive today had shit night.  (will post shortly on my emotional discipline thread)

I porbably wont post again so have a great weekend guys.