Just checking in.

[CheerBear]

*long venty spill warning*

I knew what I needed to do, it's just taken me some processing to get here. I think I knew it right from the start, from the moment the two lines that sent me into chaos showed up. Those two lines broke my heart as I faced the very real possibility that I would need to do something I would have enormous difficulty doing.

I said I'd wait but I know there is a reason I went through what I did this week, with all the appointments, the tests, the preparation and the difficult conversations. I had a feeling I would get to this morning and there would be a moment that I felt OK to do this and that if I didn't have the option sitting with me at the time I would regret it. That moment just happened. I was sitting in my favourite place, with sunshine and birds and a cuppa out of my favourite cup when I took the first part of what I need to close this chapter. It is the start of what I think will be a difficult process over the next few days, but one that there is no turning back from now and one I think I need to go through to find my way to OK again.

If I know nothing else, I know that this shows me how much I value my wellbeing. I've felt myself becoming undone with this and scared for the potential this had to completely derail me and jeopardise all of the work I had put into reaching the place of OK-ness I was at. I know I deserve to be able to go forward with my life and make it what I want it to be.

This shows me that I can and will make decisions that feel agonisingly impossible and wrong because I know they are right for me. It also shows me that I care about and love my children so much that I will make difficult choices so I can ensure they have from me what they need and deserve. Perhaps this was the biggest act of self-care I have ever done, and the hardest act of respecting my limits and knowing not to push myself beyond them.

I have learnt a lot about myself in the last couple of weeks, being in a situation that made me strip everything back and exposed me to parts of myself that I had kept buried deep inside, and parts of myself I didnt know were even there. I feel like I've made myself examine every aspect of my being with a magnifying glass, putting it all out on the table and picking it apart. It has been so confronting and painful, but I survived.

I will be forever thankful for the safe space to share that I have had here that has helped me beyond what I imagined it could have. I am so glad I reached out that night. I appreciate, from the bottom of my heart, those who have walked alongside me while I went through this process. I imagine that there may also be some people who have come across some of my posts about this feeling confronted by them, and I really appreciate the respect that has been shown to me by those who've been here as well as those who may have chosen to stay away. Especially thanks to you @Mazarita, @Teej, @Zoe7, @outlander (and F&H who I don't want to tag but am thinking of).

I want to believe that just like any difficult experience, from here I can grow. This has been another experience from which I can truly see and feel what is important to me. I know what I need and what I want in my life and this has shown me how much I need to keep on keeping on at it all and to not give up on moving towards what is right for me. Maybe this will add to my determination to get there because I do deserve to be where I want. Maybe there really will be no stopping me.

I wish I could have done this feeling empowered and confident I'd made the right choice, but I didn't. Instead I will now work to find a place of acceptance with my decision that, while heart breaking, does feel like the better choice for me and my life.

Thank you so very much, for being with me through this.

[frog]

With you @CheerBear Just wanted to say bon courage, and that I value your wellbeing too 

[Zoe7]

You have been incredible strong through all this @CheerBear and despite the really difficult decisions you have had to make it seems you have weighed up all possible scenarios and found what is right for you and your LF. As heartbreaking as this also is for you Hon you have done what is right for you and that means it is right for everyone - you are the most important person in all this and protecting yourself, what you have been through, the amazing place you were getting to and your future are the only things that matter. 

There are bound to be times of feeling regret or the 'what ifs' in the future but you can approach those knowing you did exactly what was right for you and the circustances you are in presently - and while that may not give you comfort at all times it can help you to get through those down times.

While there is no going back now CB there is a way forward and that path is full of light and love for you - from all of us here and from those closest to you IRL - hold onto that love - feel it, know it, believe in it - and let it guide you through these next few days/weeks and further if you need.

Sitting with you CB and sending you some extra love and hugs today 💛🧡💚💙💜💐🌷🌸🌺

[CheerBear]

Thank you so much @frog, @Zoe7 (and lj who I've seen around too). I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I think it's a mash of everything really. I know what I can do to get through today and that's to decorate gingerbread houses and put up a tree that my little crew and I bought on the first Christmas that it was just us. It is a beautiful tree and each of them have a couple of really special decorations that they put on it each year. Maybe this year I'll quietly add a fourth that only I will notice and tuck it in between all other sparkles and dangling things. My heart hurts so so much, but I will be OK.

I'm going to go and do what I do best and be with my family. I have a quiet spot I can time myself out if I need to, under a lemon tree that has shared many tears and feelings with me since we moved here.

Huge love. Thank you again ❤

[Zoe7]

Do what you need for yourself Hon - that is so important for you today @CheerBear

I will look out for you across the day in case you need support - whether you post or not I will be thinking of you and holding your hand CB  

[frog]

Oh @CheerBear I am decorating my little Wollomi tree today, and baking some gingerbread! I have had a hard week, but not like yours. Big impossible decisions just hurt. I heard something recently that resonated with me. It was about how all the paths not taken, potential lives forgone is like a ghost ship that follows us around. The ghost ship is a source of grief and heartache because of the sense of loss it carries. But it doesn't carry us. Our ship, the one that has carried us through it all and carries us still is the one we need to focus on. The ghost ship doesn't go away, but the more present we can be on the ship that carries us, the less the ghost ship haunts us. I know today is too soon, but I hope you will eventually feel steady again on the ship that carries you.

[Mazarita]

Dear @CheerBear, with you here too for support and friendship. Personally, I believe you have made the right decision in a situation in which there was no real right or wrong. Again personally, I also believe you have made the most wise and responsible decision, for your children and for you, though I would support you completely had you made the other choice, being your choice and therefore right for you. I hope and believe you will take care of your lovely self with kindness and understanding, having made this so hard decision. I admire how you have come to recognise through this time how much you value the welfare of your children and your ongoing wellbeing. From these experiences we grow wiser, I believe. It's an honour to have been part of a group accompanying you at this crossroads in your life. Much love and care to you and the fish. 

[outlander]

Biggest hugs @CheerBear ❣❣❣
Take care of yourself today, ill be around too if you need someone at all

Helping to hold you in the light

[Teej]

I’m so incredibly proud of you and the content of that post @CheerBear. I’m not going to say anything else much but know I’m with you sitting under that lemon tree as well, most probably being more annoying than helpful but you get that (I’m pretty sure you are winning having cyber me there instead of irl me😜😘)

loads of hugs and strength coming your way 💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Feeling very lucky to be in a place and in a time where I can do this with the support and compassion every person deserves ❤

@Zoe7 when I posted that night that I found out, I knew I took a risk as I had a gut feeling this would be the outcome. I remember wondering what you might be thinking about it if you saw, which I thought you may. Your kindness, empathy and ability to sit with the tough stuff, oozes Zoe and makes a big difference.

@frog I got very teary reading your post and have saved it, ready to visit again as it is a beautiful perspective. Thanks for being you Frog. I'm sorry you've had a hard week and I hope your tree and gingerbread have given you moments of peace, joy, escape etc. as ours have given me today.

@Mazarita this is a time of my life that I am sure will be with me forever. So many of my memories will be of our dawn chats that have started every day we've had them on the right track. How special to have fond memories during such dark times ❤ I often hope that part of the good that can come from some of the not-good things I've lived through, is that it might give me a chance to use my experience to support someone else doing it hard. I don't know if that one is as important to you as it is to me, but that's what you've done for me. You gave me courage, belief in myself and took away shame. Big love to you.

@outlander you and your presence always feels like a warm hug and a gentle whisper to keep going, thank you so much 😘

@Teej you are fabulous. You've helped catch me when I've tripped and fallen (soooo many times during my time here now) and shown me it is OK to own a crazy switch 😉. I can feel you under the lemon tree with me today as I have heaps of times in the past. I have a feeling that if you were really here we would be laughing today. Maybe in between my big feeling tears, but I'm sure there would be chuckles (chortles maybe even 😜).

I wanted to check in to say that I am feeling pretty good this afternoon, much better than I expected I would. I had some tears this morning, pretty big ones when I told him what I had done (and he was great about it), but am being really kind to myself which is something I don't usually do hugely well. Things may be harder once stuff starts physically happening but I've timed that to hopefully take place after the crew are asleep tomorrow night and I have a plan (or six 😉) to manage that. I feel incredibly thankful that I have options and a right to choose, even in how and when this happens.

Feeling like I've got this, which is a feeling I havent had much of over the last little while 🙂👍

Hope the afternoon is going well for you all x