Just checking in.

[CheerBear]

Big yay for that @Mazarita! It is such a good feeling to finish a creative process I think. Go you 😊 Has friend seen it?

I'm OK this morning thanks. I usually feel inside calm in the mornings, even if the day before wasn't awesome. I was given a script for some proper anti nausea meds yesterday which I am really thankful for and will make my morning easier in a physical sense too I think.

We have an appointment for muddled one this afternoon. Their big appointment so they've been feeling a bit nervous. How's your day looking?

[Mazarita]

My friend hasn't seen the video yet. Hoping to get down there again or him visit here sometime this week if possible. I've actually made two videos really, the second one, which is shorter, is of another writer reading as well. Still to go is a video for the musician who played on the day. I love having video projects happening again. 

I am like you in feeling calm inside at this time of day. So glad to hear about the anti nausea meds. Are you feeling better from them yet, or will it take a little time to kick in?

Wishing you and middle so well for today.  

Today I have my first psychiatrist appointment for about two months. I cancelled the last one, first time I've done that in about three years of seeing him. There's a lot to tell him about over this period of time!

[CheerBear]

They'd be pretty special videos I imagine @Mazarita. So glad you have it back too ❤

I'm OK with the sickness as long as I dont move lol. The meds should help quickly enough though and they lasted a couple of hours yesterday which I remember them doing in the past. Eating something small is also helpful if I can stomach it. Thanks for the wishes for the appointment. As bad as it sounds, my head is overloaded and almost like the switch has been flicked off to so much. (Autopilot maybe). I know it'll kick in when it needs though and that I'll be able to do what middle needs me to but it is hard to go between so much big stuff right now.

There will be a lot to talk about with your psychiatrist today Mazarita! Are you expecting a med adjustment or will it be more a check in?

[Mazarita]

Really understandable about being on autopilot about middle's appointment, @CheerBear. I was thinking that having that today on top of everything else current and recent in your life, was kind of unrelenting! I'm sure you will be okay when you get into the appointment. Have you heard anything about how your other loved ones are doing at home now?

I don't think I need any meds change at my appointment today, and he usually agrees with my assessment of my own situation. There have only been occasional instances where he has disagreed, and when he has explained why, I've usually agreed with him and taken his advice. But today I am pretty keen to have no changes for now. I'm not sure the time allotted with be enough to cover everything that's happened recently though! Main thing is I'm basically okay now, despite the ups and downs that have occurred over this past couple of months.

I also plan to ring Mum today. I've been researching seniors (gentle) exercise classes for her in her local area on the net, to help her get out in a social context more, and to help a little with fitness too. She has been talking about wanting to do this. I've actually found one class that could work for her after a lot of scouting around. Only trouble is it starts at 10am. Like me, she's never been good in the mornings. Hoping she might give it a try anyway.

[CheerBear]

I hope the appointment is helpful for you @Mazarita, which I'm thinking it will be as you have such a good relationship with your psych. I hear you with there not being enough time to cover everything. I find it happens hugely with my psychologist seeing him with only the 10 medicare sessions (then his pro bono kindness if I really need which I try not to do). Have everything crossed the NDIA comes through there.

Its lovely to read of the things you're helping your mum with, though sad she's having a hard time. Sounds like a great idea with the excersise and social activity for her. She's lucky she has someone in her life who would "get it" ❤

I speak to my well one each day. They're not going great either but unwell one is constantly around making it very difficult to talk openly and honestly about how things are going. Well one thinks it is just a matter of time before the other is back in hospital. I'm worried for them both but there is absolutely nothing more I can do aside from listen and wait so I have to put it out of my mind. Unrelenting is a pretty good word for the last couple of months. I'm seriously angry and frustrated at myself for making things spectacularly harder for me than they already were and needed to be.

[Mazarita]

Thanks for your kind words about my mum, @CheerBear. I feel really glad I can come through for her at this time, and that it is clearly helping her to have me ringing her more often lately. I'm often not much good with any kind of real practical help for people, but like to think I'm not too bad at mental and emotional support. I've given my mum a huge amount of grief over my lifetime and am very grateful that our relationship has improved to a huge extent as we have got older. She's planning to come up here again this year, looking forward to it. 

I really hope the NDIA comes through for you with the psychology sessions too, as it has for eth. 

Feeling for your loved ones a lot in their situation and at the same time very glad that you are relieved of the bigger burden you have had recently of caring so closely for them both. 

I understand what you are saying about your anger and frustration at yourself. As someone who has in the past been quite poor at practising safe sex (and very lucky for the most part!), I do get how something like this can so easily happen. We are only human though, and that means we are not perfect. It goes without saying, I guess, but the best approach is self compassion, as we would have compassion for others we cared about in the same situation. 

[CheerBear]

I noticed a lot over the last couple of months how special the feeling of being able to care for a parent is in a way that helps @Mazarita. I'm thinking your mum would be pretty thankful right now that your relationship has developed and strengthened too. You'd be amazing support for her.

Thanks for understanding that this happens. I honestly have no idea where my head was but it clearly wasn't anywhere in thinking mode. He feels pretty bad (for want of a better word) too which in a way helps as I feel we're kind of both sharing the oopsie at the moment, though we're both very aware that the consequences and responsibility rests pretty heavily on me. I keep having big moments where all I want to do is rewind time. Its such a waste of time to entertain that idea! I feel impossibly stuck.

I better get moving. Thanks heaps for the great start to the day. I hope things go well for you today Maz.

Huge ❤ to you for being you.

[Mazarita]

Huge  to you for being you too, @CheerBear. 

Really great to know that friend understands the situation so well too, and that it is your choice, body and life that is by far the most affected. 

Sending more good wishes for middle and you today. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Quiet little “morning ladies” here .... 👋💕

@CheerBear @Mazarita

[CheerBear]

I'm really struggling this morning. I keep thinking about the ultrasound yesterday with such a sore heart. I found the appointment very difficult and hearing the sonographer refer to what she was looking for and at as "the baby" didn't help. Everything inside me wanted to launch fireball words asking her to use the correct terms for what she was seeing on the screen. She asked if this was my first baby and I could only answer by telling her what number pregnancy this is. I'm so conflicted. Is it a collection of cells or is it a baby? I was given a reasonable estimate of how many weeks and days I am (not many) and was able to work out my estimated due date. It was a smashing from the reality bus I had expected it would be.

Over the last couple of days I have started having panic and anxiety attacks thinking about the position I have put myself in with this and how there is no easy out. I'm worried there is no out at all. Horrible images of all kinds of things including incredibly graphic pro-life images I have come across, as well as awful memories from when I was pregnant in my past relationship, have been randomly popping in to my head. The past stuff is nuts because I know it is not what is happening now, but I am having trouble turning it off.

I'm so tired and feeling very scattered and jumbled. Sickness, wonky sleep, hormones, the sudden stop to my meds, and life in general, seem to be merging to create a mega storm of emotions that I feel properly stuck in at the moment. How do I make a big life decision in that chaos? I'm trying to find peace in the middle of an intense battle between a heart that wants one way and a brain that needs the other, but it doesnt seem to exist.

I'm breaking under the pressure of everything and I'm incredibly angry with myself for the mistake I made that feels like I'll be carrying the consequences of forever. Through some amazing CheerBear trick of messed upness during a fleeting, foolish moment, I made my life monumentally more difficult than I feel I can deal with.