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Janna
Community Elder

Tricky Subject to Chat About

In keeping with the theme of "Ask Anything Monday" I wanted to open up a discussion, and seek some experienced advice, concerning excessive compulsive masturbation as part of the depression/anxiety picture.  Being relatively new to this forum I'm not sure whether this has been discussed before and I'd be happy to be linked into those threads if they exist.  My 16 year old son engages in this "self-soothing" behaviour all the time.  How do I know? We've had an ongoing issue with the length of his showers for several years now.  What started out as a 15 minute shower now frequently exceeds 1 hour, and has at times gone beyond 2 hours!  Once he's in there it's as if he is transported into another zone and is resistant to frequent knocks on the door and requests to hurry up.  Apart from wasting loads of electricity and water this behaviour drives everyone in the house crazy.  He is actually not in the shower, but uses the sound of running water to cover what he's doing.  His actual washing takes less than 5 minutes.  This used to be the source of major conflicts with his sister when she shared the same bathroom and I can asure you that frequent yelling and threatening to break the door down happened on a regular basis. Infact his showering became a huge anxiety for my daughter and she would fall apart and start yelling at me to do something.  Apart from the bathroom episodes, there are also other times during the day and night in which he is indulging in this feel-good behaviour.  Without being 100% certain, I can say with a certain level of confidence that he would probably engage in this activity several times a day and that collectively this would probably add up to account for around 3-4 hours a day, if not more.

I've been able to discuss this with him in a frank way, but he maintains that this behaviour is "normal", whereas I'm not so sure about that!  It's also been loosely discussed in therapy.  I understand that the origins of this behaviour come from the fact that masturbation releases dopamine, seratonin and endorphins and becomes like a drug of addiction. I believe this is his "drug"  and that he uses it to alleviate all the yucky emotions that come with his anxiety/depression.  Given that he's been indulging in this for a long time now I also believe that it's become a behavioural addiction issue in the same way gambling, drinking, shopping, etc does. 

I understand that masturbation is part of healthy sexuality, but as with any behaviour, anything in excess is not really healthy.  My big question here is where do you draw the line?  When does this behaviour cross the line and become another separate issue as such? Is it time to address this now as a separate issue or does it fall under the big mutlifaceted umbrella of depression/anxiety?

I fear what the future holds for this boy of mine.  I'm concerned that he's not using the best methods of coping and that his will ultimately lead to more social isolation and potentially impare his ability to form healthy intimate relationships in the future.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced this or just get opinions from those who haven't.

Janna ❤️

 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

I had similar experiences with my son but a few differences have stopped this from being problematic .. he also doesnt over indulge ... as he has found music ... at 16 .. he is 23 now.

He does not have to share his bathroom .. but it did become prolonged and "obvious" if not the cause of arguments. He came across his father masturbating once ... and that distressed him a lot... we were able to discuss it fairly rationally ... I was accepting of it in him and father and generally .. but could empathise ... and it resolved itself .. your son is younger ... good luck getting him involved in more productive feel good activities.

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

Hi @Janna,

Thanks for starting a discussion about a tricky subject.

Your question about where do you draw the line is a tough question. Having worked as an addictions counsellor for several years it is a question that I encountered often with family members. For many people that line means defining whether someone has a problem or not. While there is no hard and fast rule here, and it rarely black and while, there are a few things to consider:

- Is it affecting his study/work or other commitments and responsibilities?

- Is it impacting on the relationships around him? - Do others see it as a problem? (I think you've answered this alread in your post)

- Is it affecting his health?

- Is it causing any problem with the law?

Basically, these questions are all geared at looking at how much the behaviour is affecting someone's functioning. If you find that one or all of the points are impacted, it might be worth considering if it possible to work with your son to find ways he can minimise these impacts. Would your son be willing to make some changes?

Btw, how are you? I've not 'spoken' with you for some time. The last time we spoke, I think you were heading out for a girl's night. How was it? 

Hope you have and continue to have some R&R - carers need it.

CherryBomb

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

Thanks Cherrybomb for replying to this tricky subject.

I'm going to answer the questions you've posted.

Is it affecting his study/work or other commitments and responsibilities?  Yes.  Indulging in this behaviour often takes place in the privacy of night and he uses the internet (porn) to assist.  This means that his entire sleep/wake cycle is shot to ruins and thereby creates a very unhealthy sleep/wake cycle that see's him unable to wake in the mornings and take frequent naps through the day.  It's difficult to pull this apart from the depressive picture but I am certain that it contributes significantly.  Additionally, the sleep issue and the length of time he is locked in the bathroom also means that his "timetable" is out of whack and not compatible with other activities of daily living in a timely way. 

Is it impacting on the relationships around him? - Do others see it as a problem? (I think you've answered this alread in your post) - Yes already answered.  We've all learnt to ignore it as best we can because the stress wasn't worth it.

Is it affecting his health? Had to laugh a little with this one.  I don't think there has ever been any clinical evidence to suggest that excessive masturbation is harmful to one's health.  From a mental health perspective however I would say yes due to the impact on sleep and distractions away from other healthier lifestyle choices.

Is it causing any problem with the law? Not yet thankfully 🙂

I was speaking with my psychologist regarding this and she said that it is definitely a self-soothing behaviour designed to distract away from and minimize negative emotions.  She also added that in the scheme of coping strategies that people resort to this is still one of the better - better than self-harming, drugs, drinking, etc.  On that score I fully agree.  Doesn't mean that this is a great coping mechanism, but a hell of a lot better than some others.  With that in mind I feel lucky that it's just this and not something far worse.

And yes I did get away for that weekend and had a fab time doing nothing other than wining, dining and shopping.  Felt great and revived me. 

Janna ❤️

 

 

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

Hi @Janna

Glad to hear that you had some YOU time. I hope that you can make a thing of it, and schedule in some self-care time. 

Thanks for answering my question on the tricky subject Smiley Very Happy

You raised a good point that I'd forgotten about, looking at the reasons your son engages in this behaviour - it's a self-soothing mechanism. 

Taking that point on board, and what you've written in your last post. Is it possible to discuss your concerns with your son? For instance, you could raise your concerns about his sleep cycle and health being interuppted and ask if there is a way that he can minimise this impact? 

It's great that you are able to have an open and frank discussion about this subject. I could never ever imagine having a chat about masturbation with my folks when I was a teenager! You sound like a very understanding parent. It's really amazing. Does your son see it as a self-soothing coping mechanism? I mean, does he give you a reason for doing it, other than he thinks it's normal and fine?

I think by opening up this conversation with him - the reason why he thinks does it (e.g., self-soothing, boredom, excitement) - you might by able to discuss other ways he can attend to these reasons. 

 

CherryBomb

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

It is the first time I have "discussed" it.

Its probably better to go straight the issue if he can cope withe dicussion.

Apparently many behavioural motivations boil down to self-soothe, boredom and/or excitement.

Re: Tricky Subject to Chat About

Good on you @Janna for bringing up the subject. I agree that masturbation is a normal part of healthy sexuality, but also that it can become a problem. I overindulged myself from an early age to soothe anxiety. It did lead to difficulties in relationships, especially marriage. It does sound to me as though it is becoming a problem for your son. I hope he is learning some tools to help overcome his anxiety/depression

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