Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Lucky2015]

Thanks for the join.

I have seen so many others put up their stories that I thought that it would be worthwhile to put up mine.
Luckily I have been in a lot better situation than some of the stories I have read on this forum. I am very grateful for that.

At the moment I am on my last script of anti-depressants. This is after a combination of a business failure with the associated financial pressure but also my wife having what I now know to be a manic episode, that contributed to alot of the stress that got me to this point.

The reason I have joined ARAFMINSW is because it is only in the last year that I discovered that my wife suffers from the effects of Bi-Polar Type II disorder. For the last 10 years I have managed to notice and work with my wife through her ongoing depressive episodes. These really became more pronounced after the birth of our children.

But during that time my wife would display behaviours that I had described to others as OCD like. When my business failed it also had us close to losing my marriage. There was alot of anger on my behalf. I was stressed off the richter scale, trying to financially support us. For me to loose my business/occupation and almost my marriage in the same month was really the same as loosing my identity (as these were the 2 most important things in my life).

In anger one day I told my wife I wasn't responsible for her mental health anymore, that she would need to get the help she needed (as she would often stop getting help as soon as the depression disappeared). Full credit to her, she saw a psychiatrist for the first time and eventually was diagnosed being effected by Bipolar II.

We finally had a name for what was going on. For both of us it was like someone switched the light on, and some much of the past made sense.

But then I slipped into depression myself a month later. The relief had worn off and the realisation of our financial difficulties set in.

I have learnt alot in the mean time (some with professional help, and some just with some distance from the events):

• I am not my marriage.
• I am not my work.
• I am not responsible to my wifes moods.
• I need to put myself 1st. In a true non selfish sense.
• I can lean alot more on friends and external support professionals than I thought I could.

Since then my financial situation has turned around. I am working hard to setup a stable base from which all other things in my life can rest.
But that stable base is myself.

I am meditating, booking monthly get togethers with mates, seeing a psych, educating myself about my wifes triggers and creating backup plans of action should they occur. I am also starting to explore some hobbies for myself (some I can do alone, others that require me to get out with others). Changing my diet and excercising more. Also said yes to getting a puppy for the family, which is great because it is taking focus off us and placing it on something fun (and challenging).

I feel I still have some way to go to improve and repair my relationship with my wife. I need to balance my wifes situation, recognising it but at the same time not using it for an excuse for everytime something she does rubs me the wrong way, and also not to label her with it like a prison sentence but just to realise it is something that overlies her normal personality and effects her. It isn't her.

So with that in mind I am interested particularly in anyone who has ideas, opinions, perspectives on:
how to seperate the illness from the person I love. (i.e. what works for you?)
how not to use this label across the board. And let it spoil what is normal behaviours in marriage.
hereditary factors in bi-polar and any research in this. (Its a concern for me as my children are at primary school age).

Thanks for lending an ear.

PS: To the moderators keep up the great work. You don't realise how many unregistered users may be viewing the forum, as I have been for the last year, before signing up and adding a voice.

[Mosaic]

@Lucky2015 Welcome to the Forums!!! 🙂 It is great to hear that after a year of hanging out on here, you now feel brave enough to share your story too. I must say it was a very inspirational read... It is amazing how going through such hard times can bring out a strength within us we never knew we had... I know your story will really give hope to others who are walking through a similar journey.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Lucky2015

A big warm welcome to the Forums.

You ask a great question that I think many members can relate to - how do you seperate illness from the person that I love?

It is so important to see the person beyond their MI. Though, it can be tough at times because sometimes it can seem that the boundaries of an illness can be blurry that it can be hard to distinguish what is what. I find research and learning about my loved one's illness can be really helpful. It might be a bit of learning proces between you and your wife too. Given that your wife's diagnosis is relatively new, your wife may still be learning about what is what. Some people are able to sense when they are becoming unwell, by recognising warning signs and symptoms. But this can take some time. So having discussions with your wife and reading stuff (from reliable sources) can be start.

There are few members on here that have written about this.@Ant1 wrote this:

"It is so difficult at times when you are in a long term relationship with someone and occasionaly you see glimpses of the person "underneath" the illness/conditition. It makes all the difficult days have some sort of meaning when they smile or say they love you"

You can read more about it here. I wonder if this is something that you can relate to? Also, @hippyjingle67 @hopeandsupport and @workthisout also care for their partners with MI. Perhaps they can provide some advice/supprt?

[Appleblossom]

I was impressed by the thoroughness and thoughtfulness of your post.

Identity and personal responsibility are key. Dynamics of relationship are subtle and glad your boat is still sailing.

Welcome.

[Ant1]

Hi Lucky2015 I just read your post and think the positive attitude you are showing is great. I I found that trying to deal with everyday things as well as someone that you love having a mental illness at times becomes all consuming and it is so easy to blame the partners illness for all that goes wrong in your life.In my opinon looking after yourself must come first you will find it "easier to standback' and look at whats going on. I am so glad your wife accepts her condition and together you are getting the help you both need. When I finally seeked help instead of trying to cope by myself it was a huge weight of my shoulders I now actively seek out help when I fell that I am not coping,Sadly my wife denies her Bi-polar and and I have now learned to accept it,as I realize she is control of her life decisions, I now take medication to help me cope and take time out for myself if and when I require. I have good and bad days and my heart burns when I know that if my wife got the help she needs then she would be much happier. luckly she sees a couple of GP's that seem to understand her. Somedays it is all to much but I no longer hesitate to see my GP or chat to someone if I need to. I am not embarrassed by my wifes condition but understand that some people are uneasy talking about mental illness and I understand that. I think you approach is great and keep up the great work

[ivana]

Thanks for your story.

I also agree with you about the importance of seperating the person from the illness and the extreme distress that could come about from seeing the illness as the person/as their identity.

For me just litle things like a person saying "i have bipolar disorder" as opposed to  "I am bipolar" can hopefully send the general public little reminders that people are not their mental illnesses.

Responsible reporting from media would also involve not having headlines such as "Schizophrenic escape......." as this clearly encourages the view of the person as not being distinct from the illness.

I think this should all start from the family,like you mentioned,but in addition also from service providers,because there is unfortunately still a large (and unaddressed) tendency for many healthcare workers to stigmatise and discrimate against those with mental illnesses and see them/refer to them as their illness,for example making statements such as "a paranoid schizophrenic man,67,presented to the emergency department....." etc.

They often see Schizophrenia as being that persons identity.

Ive personally had doctors make horrible statements about those with mental illness in my presence.

For example when i saw a Neurologist he stated "oh don't mind him,he's a paranoid schizophrenic" (in reference to a man in the waiting room who was coughing/hacking extremely loudly and persistently).

This statement i found disgusting.He not only lacked any caring,compassion and humility,or care or concern in case the man was getting (eg) pneumonia ,but also the cutting tone in which he delivered the statement was disgusting because you could tell the Neurologist was embaressed by the "schizophrenics" actions.

 So in my view,the change needs to happen on many levels-Ie:family,medical and societal and it starts with intent.

If a person/group has the intent to view the person/s as seperate and not their illness identity then their on the right track.

[Appleblossom]

@ivana

your story about the waiting room cut me to the core as it was the same as what I witnessed happen to my father in a large general hospital 1971 ...worse they (mum and dr) accused him of malingering..  the day before he died of pneumonia (on death certificate). 

It has to stop .. what is the Hippocratic oath about ...

[ivana]

Thats really horrible to hear that @Appleblossomand im really sorry that you had to go through seeing that happen to your dad.

Its also very telling/concerning that this happened to your dad in 1971 and the situation i'm referring to happened in approx 2011 which seems to suggest theres a long way to go to change attitudes/culture in the healthcare industry.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @ivana

My brother was the first to get records and got dad's certificate ... so we only realised about 10 years later .. he was pretty upset he was only 9 and was present but had not been back with us for long.  It actually triggered an episode for him when he was about 20... understandably ... I was just that little bit older and able to process things...also doing the big sister trying to calm him down etc.

I will keep telling that story ... I think MI stigma is disgusting and try and be polite in educating others about how horrific it actually can be .. but its hard work ... cos most people cling to their ideas ... we can only try ...

[Lucky2015]

Thanks @ivana . I feel that there is a change coming. It takes time. But if you look a how quick the debate about other social issues has moved in the last few years and in the media, then it can leave us with more hope.

Just to see sports stars talk about their battles with mental illness I think will help shift the conversation from something that is a problem that happens with "those people", to a perception that anyone even very "successful" people can battle with the effects of mental illness.

I hope that by the time my kids are my age, that stigma will be gone. And that mental health conversations will be no more unusual than telling someone you have diabetes.