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Sam0
Casual Contributor

My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hi. My partner is slipping into serious alcoholism and I need help, I don't know what to do I am at a loss.

I have been with my partner for 7 years and he is my life partner. I can't imagine life without him. But I am watching him sink deeper into alcoholism every day. It has been gradual and it has been acknowledged in the past that he loves drinking and has trouble only having one drink if going out. He has never been the designated driver, and if I go out with friends I could count on one hand the number of times he has been able to pick me up, because he has always had too much to drink. or if he is the designated driver, we end up having to get an uber home. I can't remember when it got out of hand, it was slow but the conversation of him 'needing to drink less' has always been around. He is not a violent or angry drunk, I am not in danger. The issue is that it is now significantly affecting his health, and I am worried it is just going to keep getting worse until something drastic happens. He is 30, now overweight, never exercises, eats crap, and falls asleep most days when he gets home from work. He used to be healthy, exercised, ate well and cared about looking after himself. 

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness about 3 months ago. At the same time, he moved across the state (9 - 10 hour car trip from home) for work. When he was home with me, he would still drink heavily and I was always concerned about it but it was never a really really excessive amount (I mean, it was compared to someone who doesnt drink or drink much). But I think he tried to keep it under control as best he could because I suppose with me around there was accountability. 

Now, he is drinking an exorbitant amount. I am currently staying in the country town where he is working with him. I can work remotely so this is the second time I have been back to stay for a few weeks. I got here on Saturday (it is now Thursday). He was hungover when I got here on Saturday from drinking on Friday night - it takes ALOT for him to be hungover, so he probably had a few bottles of wine and beer or something along those lines. On Saturday, he had about a bottle and a half of wine plus a few beers. On Sunday, he had a bottle of wine and a few more beers throughout the afternoon and evening. Monday, he only had one beer (because I pointed it out). On Tuesday, he had more. On wednesday, he went out for 'a beer' with some work friends and told me he had even more beers - he also drove, so he would have been over the limit as he wasnt gone long. He got a takeaway bottle of wine from the pub before he came home, and drank an entire bottle of red wine (14.5%) in less than an hour and a half. This has sent me over the edge and I don't know what to do. He is currently out with work friends again for dinner at a pub.
In the past whenever I have brought it up, he always tells me that he needs to come to it on his own terms and also that I go about it the wrong way (which is probably true, in the beginning I would often just get upset or angry - but the further we have gone along there are times I have tried to bring it up whilst actively trying to be extremely compassionate). My dad is an alcoholic. Both of his parents were/are alcoholics. His mum died of a heart attack out of the blue before she was 60. 
I spoke online to lifeline earlier and they suggested I look into AI-Anon family groups in my area, they said I don't need to go to a meeting but I could reach out for resources. Is there anything else I can do?? Has anyone been in this situation and can help me. I am really struggling. 
As a small side bar - on Saturday this weekend, we have tickets to a Gnocchi and wine lunch at a winery (going with some of his work friends). This was booked before I got here and realised whats going on. I don't want to go to the event anymore. I don't want to enable him drinking, letalone drinking excessively. I was planning on driving anyway because of my health condition at the moment. But I don't know what to do, if I say I don't want to go it will just cause an argument. Should I just go and stay silent?

 

15 REPLIES 15

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Thank you for your bravery in reaching out @Sam0 - I can only imagine how stressful this situation must be for you right now. Especially considering he is your life partner.

 

I look forward to seeing the amazing community here share their experiences.

 

I'm just tagging a few members here:

@wellwellwellnez @maddison @Shaz @Appleblossom @NatureLover @Faith-and-Hope 

 

Kindest, tyme

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Thank you @tyme ❤️😊

Yes - he is my family so I want to support him in the right way - I just don’t know how. Happy to find this page and see your wonderful network

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

@Sam0 , I'm glad you have found us. I can see you are very loyal and caring.

 

I guess if he's looking to have a family, he may need to consider how his behaviour might affect not only himself, but his family.

 

Being single, living alone makes it easier to go have a beer with mates. But family brings responsibility, commitment and ... consequences.

 

It's a packaged deal - no ifs or buts...

 

tyme

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Perhaps visiting the GP for a full blood count, liver function test and the whole lot, might be a good start (if he's willing) @Sam0 . You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. A blood test could be the start of a wake up call.

 

I look forward to hearing how you go,

tyme

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hi @Sam0 and welcome to the forums.

 

Its a very sad situation with your partner.  

 

The person I was married to for a long time had food addictions and workaholism.  Once he stopped working the food issues intensified, swung in the opposite direction and became really bizarre.  He was also prone to control issues, and these went over the top as well, slowly ….. boiled frog syndrome ….. and excessive-compulsive exercise replaced the hours behind a desk.

 

In my case I presumed it to be a mid-life crisis and was determined to stand by my man ….. unfortunately there were bigger issues going on behind the scenes ….. including a girlfriend ……

 

it didn’t work out for me, but one thing I would say is to follow the advice given to reach out for supports for yourself, including or especially, family support around Alcoholics Anonymous or other such networks, because you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

 

You can’t fix this for your partner if he doesn’t want it fixed, and it sounds like the issues are running deeper than the alcoholism.  Addictions are numbing agents for such things as guilt, anger, low self-esteem, fear, etc, generally speaking, and these things in an adult who is going overboard require professional intervention and / or support.

 

Kudos to you for reaching out on the forums.  We can walk along with you.  You are not alone in this while there are others holding your hand, virtually or otherwise …..

 

Re: Hot Chocolate Anyone ? is a thread where other Carers hang out.  I will tag you from there to come and say hello.

 

🌷F&H

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hi and thanks @tyme  and thanks for sharing @Faith-and-Hope, how did you get through that whilst looking after yourself?

 

we aren’t planning on having kids at the moment - I still don’t know if I want them or not at all, but even if I decide I do it won’t be for a while (I’m almost 30 so as my mum says - the clock is ticking 😂, but I’m not worried and wouldn’t decide to have kids ‘just incase’). If we do decide we want them, I certainly wouldn’t be going down that path if things were the way things are at the moment. I’m not sure if I said this in my original post, but my dad was/is an alcoholic and has been all my life. I wouldn’t bring kids into the world with that being a possibility for them too. 

I also don’t have the type of family I could reach out too about this - given our history, I don’t know what would happen or how they would react, and I also don’t want them to think of my partner differently in the hope he can get it under control. I have reached out to a friend which I thought would more be just to get it off my chest,  but she was surprisingly extemely helpful and understanding. It was really nice to tell someone close to me because I feel like I’ve been holding onto this for years (even though it’s just escalated). 

is it normal for wanting to keep it quiet? I don’t know if I am doing that for him or for me. 

 

I think I am finally starting to process this as an illness/addiction instead of just being angry and resentful. My mum was always angry, I wasn’t taught to think of it like a disease. Which I’m hoping means I can help. Or at least try. When I spoke to lifeline (I don’t know if I mentioned that earlier) they said I could try to tell him that I am looking for resources and thinking of going to an AI-anon meeting - which may help him see how serious this is or how it is affecting me. But I feel like that is a bit manipulative?

 

The blood tests are a good idea, but I don’t think we are there yet. I have always wanted him to get regular heart health checkups given his family history, so maybe that’s a way to frame it. (But is that also manipulative?) I don’t want to start conniving plans to get him to do things because in the long term is that even going to solve anything? If I’m making an effort to not be honest that I think that’s just adding to the problems. 

Thanks for listening and being here

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Hi again @Sam0 

 

Looking after yourself means eating, sleeping and e excising enough, investing in your own interests (which is not selfish in case you or others tend to think of it that way - it’s normal and healthy to have your own space and time for you within a relationship).  It means having some friends of your own you can speak to and spend time with.  It is very important that your partner does not “own” you, and that you don’t “give yourself away” entirely to the person you love.  Co-depenency is not a healthy state to be in in the same way addictions are a disease.

 

If you have inadvertently allowed the walks to close in on you a bit, you can gently begin stretching them back out again, rather than it having to be stated overtly and a hard stance taken.  Think of it as dealing yourself a hand at the card table rather than just being the dealer ….. everybody plays and everyone is entitled to a hand to okay.  Growing up with an alcoholic father you may have been somewhat conditioned to thinking everything needs to be about the one who it ill.  Number one rule for Carers is that someone needs to be looking after the Carer, not just the cared-for.  Carer’s burnout is a real thing.

 

That said, it is not manipulative to speak your truth - that your partner’s behaviour is impacting you, and that you are concerned enough to be considering attending an Al-anon meeting - because sometimes our truth forces others to make decisions, but that is what needs to happen.  It is not manipulative for a policeman to arrest a drunk driver - it’s an appropriate natural consequence deliberately designed to make them take responsibility for their behaviour / choices, with the other natural consequence of reducing the likelihood of a fatal accident.

 

I also tried to conceal what was happening with the ex, to spare him embarrassment.  I thought his issues could be dealt with privately, that he would recover, and that I was honouring him by shielding him and our family from exposure.  In my situation that was only empowering the ex to take greater control of our family unit, which in turn became invalidation and blackmail.  My heart was in the right place, but I needed to honour myself and my children by stepping back and allowing the truth space to being forward the natural consequences that were a result of the choices ex was making.  

It you think of a disease such as alcoholism, addiction, or personality disorder as being like an alter-ego, that alter-ego is programmed to conceal itself and wreak havoc behind a facade.  It is not actually helping if you enable the facade, and it is not manipulative to refuse to support the facade, or speak to the havoc being created behind the facade.

 

The most important aspect of calling our an illness or addiction is your personal safety.  Al-anon is there to help you with that, and doctors and counsellors can (usually) support and advise you around the difficult decisions.

 

in my case ex was too charming, and his behaviours so bizarre, that I wasn’t believed by the doctors and the counsellor a had no real answers.  It was safer for me and my children, to stay until the relationship broke down if it’s own accord, and he left.  That wasn’t the end of it ….. three years in family court so far because of other hidden action he had taken over the finances, but that is all part of my story …..

 

Please take care of yourself and consider what you need in a partner despite / in spite of how much you love them.

 

Be strong, be brave, be well ❣️

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

It sounds as if he does not need any excuse to drink, so the gnocchi event will not change things, but I can see how you do not want it to be another enabling event.  Maybe if you go and make the statement of NOT drinking alcohol yourself, and model its possible.  Maybe make something of the lifestyle  you  used to have when he cared for himself properly. Affirming his personal traits from back then.

 

Getting support from somewhere might be needed if you are staying with him.  SO that you do not get too influenced or depressed or upset by it.  He will only change if he decides.  You can only do so much.

Take Care

Apple

Re: My partner is becoming an alcoholic (if not already)

Dear @Faith-and-Hope ,

 

Thank you for sharing your incredible journey. It takes boldness to take the steps that you have.

 

Hugs, tyme

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