Lived Experience Forum

[ktsmom]

Hi, this is my first time posting posting on anything like this but I’ve been reading some the stories on this forum and they’re all so honest and raw and terrible and beautiful at the same time. I would really like to share mine.

My life was so good up until the age of 11. I lived in a sweet little village in England, I had a perfectly “normal” life. Then my parents told me that we were moving to Australia for my dads work and within a few months I was on the other side of the world. I missed home but I was still optimistic about this strange new land and what this meant for the rest of my life. Then things got bad. I had an older brother who was 14 and two younger sisters who were 10 and 7. four months after arriving in Australia my 7 year old sister was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. She died 4 months later but during those last 4 months my fathers best friend, and pretty much our only friend in Australia, came to stay with us. His name was (something like) Dan and Dan was super fun and caring and generous. He had such a positive attitude and everyone in our family loved him and he bought a glimmer of light into our darkened world. But Dan had a dark side and I was the only one unfortunate enough to see it. My parents were focused entirely on my little sister and they spent a lot of their time at the hospital while I would often be at home with Dan and he chose this time to begin molesting me. I was 11 when it started and he was an expert at grooming and manipulation. I never told anyone what was happening and as Dan was’ basically family” he would spend every school holiday with us. He continued the assaults many times with every visit for the next 4 years until everything changed for me. When I was 16 I began a relationship with a friend of my brothers friends who’s name was (similar to) Luke. He was 6 years older then me and I had been desperately in love with Luke since I first met him when I was 12. I was thrilled that he was finally taking notice of me and I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. We ran away to Queensland together (1200kms away) and within days of starting our life I found out I was pregnant. Then Luke started to show his true colours. He had extreme mental health issues and he started to be very abusive towards me in every way its possible to be abusive. I gave birth in a Queensland hospital at 17. I was alone and I had a black eye. But having children changes a persons priorities and eventually I decided enough was enough. After I turned 18 I told Luke it was over and I flew back down to Melbourne with my daughter and I moved back in with my parents. Luke followed me back and moved into his fathers house which was close to where I was living. After a few weeks of fights and chaos he came to my house and asked me if we would ever be together again. I said no and he said that in that case he was going to commit suicide. Then he left and two nights later he hung himself at his fathers house. That was in 2006 when my daughter was about 12 months old and since then I am happy to say that I have never allowed myself or my daughter to be treated anything like the way I was during those years. This is obviously a very very abbreviated version of my story and there is so much more to tell. My problem is that its been 16 years since that happened and I still feel like I cant move past that period of my life. I really want to talk to people about it but I just cant do it. I never told my family about Dan. I kept all that inside and the only reason they knew about Luke’s abuse was from visiting me and seeing bruises on my face and even so we didn’t talk about it after the Luke died. My daughter doesn't know much about her dad. Her whole life shes heard me having nightmares and screaming and crying in my sleep but I’m afraid of upsetting her I feel like we cant have an honest conversation about it. I pretty much don’t talk to anyone about anything. In all my relationships I have become the person who listens, not the person who shares. I do have a therapist who is great but I cant even bring myself to tell him most of the things I want to say. Lately I’ve been slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I don't do anything I used to do, I don't have any friends left and I don't take care of myself. My daughter is 17 and she has her own mental health issues so I would put all my energy I have into supporting her and I felt like that's what my life had come down to but these past few days I haven't even cared much about doing that. I just want to get into my bed and stay there forever. I used to feel like I was hanging on to life by a thread and I was worried the thread would snap. Now I just feel like letting it go. Thanks for reading x

[woah]

Fuck man that’s fucked up. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone. That must’ve taken great strength.

[pjc1965]

I tell my psychiatrist, psychologist, GP and Occupational Therapist everything. That's working for me. I also turn to God. (bible.com)works for me too.  @pjc1965 

[NatureLover]

Hi, welcome @ktsmom ...

I'm so sorry you've suffered all that abuse 😞

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@ktsmom wrote:

I do have a therapist who is great but I cant even bring myself to tell him most of the things I want to say.

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I'm wondering if you can write down what happened to you, or maybe print out your post above, for your therapist? I always write down things for my therapist to read, it's easier then talking out loud.

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@ktsmom wrote:

I used to feel like I was hanging on to life by a thread and I was worried the thread would snap. Now I just feel like letting it go. 

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Can I ask, are you suicidal? 😞

I'm glad you've found us here on the forums. A handy forum tip is if you type @, you can tag the person you're replying to so they won't miss your message. 

[pjc1965]

@pjc1965 reconnect with people. I need people. They'll accept you. I went to prison and am accepted by my cousin, aunty on my father's side. Is there an elderly person you can befriend. They are lonely and in need of friends. People to talk to. It is in giving that we receive. You will feel so good giving your time to them. They need you and you need connection away from your thoughts. They will also listen. Not by being alone. Not just you and your daughter. 

[ktsmom]

Thanks for your response. I’m not really suicidal but I’m probably the closest I’ve been since before my daughter was born. I made a promise that she wouldn’t have to live knowing that both of her parents took their own lives. I also can’t stand the idea of my parents having to bury another child. However, that being said, I don’t really care much for living anymore. I walk down the street thinking how easy it would be if a truck would lose control and take me out. And in my darkest moments I do think about ways to end my life while making it look like an accident. In the end I don't think I could ever cause that much pain to my family. So now I feel like I just exist day to day for the sake of it being the lesser of two evils.

I do write things down for my therapist and we make progress but its very slow. I like to talk to him and its so easy to spend an entire session chatting about stuff that doesn't really matter that much. After those sessions I get angry at myself for wasting an opportunity to work on the things that really matter. He does try to encourage me to talk about trauma but I get very anxious and I find it almost impossible. It takes me a long time to write things down because I’m mildly dyslexic but its something I’ve been that I’ve been practising and I think its making it easier to express myself.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @ktsmom,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. I just want to let you know you are in a safe and supportive space with many kind members with a variety of lived experiences.

Thank you for sharing your story and truth with us. I am so sorry to read what you have gone through - what a hard journey you have had. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a resilient and kind mum. 

I know you have said that you are not really suicidal and we appreciate you letting us now that - in case you ever need immediate support please call:

- LifeLine on 13 11 14

- BeyondBlue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Will SANE is not a crisis centre we are a place for support, safety and to share our lived experiences. Please keep reaching out for support and know you are not alone.

I will just send you an email to check in privately with you so if you can respond when you can that would be much appreciated.

Please take care of yourself.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Willy73]

Hi @ktsmom 

I’m new to this forum too (joined last week). What has happened in your life really resonated with me. I’m attending my uncles funeral this Friday (I had confronted him 3 weeks ago about a one off molestation) and he killed himself last week.

I had a deeply unhappy childhood and was physically abused by my ex partner (the father of my two adult boys). I just want to get better now and not self medicate with alcohol (also have ptsd) and not be consumed by anger and regret. Please look after yourself and I hope you can have safe and honest conversations with your daughter. 

[Little_Leopard]

@ktsmom You are certainly not alone here.

I think many of us resonate with your story in some ways.

Must be hard to feel that you have had to hold the truth back from your family. I get the feeling that what that evil person did (besides the abuse) was also take a piece of your family from you. 

I think it’s time that you tell them the truth. If they are healthy and safe people that is. That’s probably a good thing to work towards to take that power back from the abuser. Might be good to work with your therapist first to make a plan.

also it’s a super common thing to go into therapy and chat about anything but the trauma. It’s fear of disclosing but it’s also about testing the water to see how the therapist reacts to other things before you entrust the therapist with the hard stuff.

I am so glad that you shared your story. Every time a survivor comes forward and tells their story it makes us all less alone and stronger.

Not sure but for some reason I have feeling EMDR might work for you. Some people like it others don’t. If you get yourself a good trauma informed  therapist it might be worth looking into.

Also is your therapist trauma informed? Might be worth getting a formal diagnosis from a trauma informed therapist (blue knot have a list) as they might want to explore potential dissociative disorders on top of the C-PTSD. 

this is something you will need to talk to a therapist about if you want to start processing the trauma. But first you need to find someone you are comfortable with.

in the mean time you can keep posting here. We are listening.

[Little_Leopard]

@Willy73 

Im sorry sorry that this has all happened to you.

are you ok? 

 I hope that you have support in place and are taking care of yourself.