I'm sorry everyone for not responding in so long to your posts here. I missed a lot of posts while I was away last month with my Dad, and just never got around to finding my way back here upon my return.
But thank you all of you for your lovely posts. I did manage to read the email notifications while I was away and found a decent wifi connection, but just couldnt log into the Sane site for some reason. Now lets see ... I dont want to miss anyone who posted to me, or who I have yet to respond to. @greenpea @Maggie @BlueBay @Gazza75 @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Former-Member @Peri @Starta @mudsum @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom @eth @Owlunar @Former-Member
I have put off writing this update until now, but its probably time I got this off my chest. It may even help? Plus it may help you understand why I have been a little quiet lately, and struggling to find words at times.
Fact is, I feel pretty disgusted with myself right now. Why is it that when the anxiety from PTSD hounds me ... I either cant eat or dont want to eat. But when the depressive episodes hit, I literally gorge on garbage. Right now, for obvious reasons I suppose, I have lapsed into depression. Pretty deep, and I fail to see any light at the end of this sh*** narrow tunnel. I'm doing stupid things (and sometimes risky things too). When I'm on my own, I'll grab a full tub of icecream and down the lot in one go. Or a large block of chocolate. More than enough to inevitably make me sick. Every time I do this, I get more and more down on myself, more and more depressed about it all. Pretty pathetic aye? I really hope I'm not adding an ED to my list of ailments. Would this be considered self harm, or simply comfort eating? I'm not sure. I havent yet learned to handle the PTSD, OCD, Anxiety and Depression I've already got, much less deal with more MI diagnoses. Of course the yoyo'ing weight is not great for anyone either. I'm on the thin side, but that wont last long at the rate I'm going with this comfort eating.
I'm constantly catching myself absent-mindedly gnawing on my lip, my inside cheek, or grinding my teeth together until they hurt. My lips are bitten, raw and sore. I managed to grind a piece of tooth off one of my front bottom teeth the other day, from the constant grinding. No major damage and no nerve exposed, but still not good. But it was kind of rough on my tongue, so I grabbed a metal nail file and ground it back to make it smoother. I guess I should see a dentist? Anyway, now that that particular tooth is slightly lower than the other, I notice every time I grind my teeth. At least its even, just looks like a slightly shorter tooth, and not overly noticeable. The think is, I never realised how much or how often I grind my teeth before. Its not just nighttime, its all day long! Clearly its something I've been doing for a long time to wear the top off that tooth, though it likely its been a bit worse of late.
And (unusually, given that the anxiety has not increased lately) the OCD stuff has also become worse. Once again I'm being kept awake at night counting stuff, making patterns with numbers and objects. watching the digital bedside clock and forcing myself to make up suitable numbers with the time on the clock every time I open my eyes to look at it. And if the numbers arent right then I'm gambling or bargaining with peoples lives. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I really that horrible a person? I sooooooo dont like me. How I wish I could just flick a switch and shut myself down.
Sherry
