Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

No problems at all @Former-Member.  You are, of course, not obliged to answer me at all.  So I am both grateful and honoured that you have.  So thankyou.

I am sorry that EMDR therapy has been so difficult for you.  From what I understand, EMDR is particularly effective for a single event trauma, but not as much so for multiple or Complex PTSD.  For me, I have only really had a single trauma.  Although my psych does say that the domestic abuse I have endured over the years, also counts as trauma.  So I am not so sure now.

Last week sounds horrible for you.  The last thing you need leading into a therapy session is stress beforehand.  As if it isnt bad enough in the first place. You say it was only last week though, and that you have not yet been able to get yourself back up yet.  In my experience it takes a week to recover, especially in the earlier sessions, and the more traumatic sessions later.  Give yourself a little more time.  Try to keep distracted with something that you enjoy doing.

I understand what you are saying about taking a step forward and then two backwards.  At the time it is so disheartening.  But I did an exercise with my psych when I was feeling really down about a lack of progress recently.  And that exercise made me realise that in reality, I really have made progress over the past year.  Its just that you want the progress to be more dramatic I guess, more noticable and more permanent.  Without all the inevitable setbacks along the way.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help yourself to a degree of recovery. I am sorry that you feel as though none of it has really helped.

I thank you for opening up and telling me about what happened to you, firstly as a teenager and then as an adult.  And no, you arent whinging!  You are actually helping someone else by telling them (me in this case) what happened to you.  And in so doing you make me feel less of a dreadful person for what happened to me also.  I can see that you are a beautiful person and that none of this was your doing.  And in me seeing that, it reinforces to me, that I am also a good person and that what happened to me was not my fault.  Nobody deserves to be raped Bridget - ever.  So I hope that by you opening up here to me, that it may also serve to help you in some way also.

I too am married, and I also find marriage difficult.  Intimacy is not pleasant for me, its a chore and continues to be somewhat triggering.

You asked me how I am today.  Thankyou .... I am okay actually.  One of my better days in fact.

No you have not been too negative Bridget.  Just stating facts.  I guess if we cant do it here, then there arent a lot of other options.  Especially if you are like me, and nobody else in my life knows.

I really hope you start to improve soon Bridget.  I hope you dont give up entirely on the EMDR, as it is meant to be the most effective treatment available for PTSD these days.  It sounds as though your psych needs to work more on that 'protective wall' of yours first.  

I would be happy to have a chat anytime you feel like it Bridget.  My thoughts are with you.

[Former-Member]

Thankyou for replying so quickly @Former-Member  It brought tears to my eyes. It means alot to me that someone cares.  There are alot of people on here that care.  I really need to get these tears out.  It makes me worse keeping them in.  Sometimes it's hard to know when to be strong and be positive and when to just let the tears come, because the last thing I want to do is be in self pity, that's not helpful either.

That's good that you are having a good day today.  I managed to get myself and my daughter in the car and we went for a walk at the beach.  

Hubby and my daughter have gone out and I am enjoying time alone.  

I've been taking anti anxiety meds lately, since starting with the psychologist.  They help me be a little calmer, but make me feel even extra tired.  I would rather not take them, but at present I really need some relief from the stress I've been feeling.

I guess that I am feeling quite discouraged, because I have so many traumas to overcome with the EMDR and haven't had any success yet.  It's feeling like it might be never ending.  I didn't realize that the EMDR would be so time consuming (especially with a wall up).  

I am really wanting to get well so that I can travel and see places with my daughter while she's still at home with me.  I know she would love to go away and travel, me too, if I didn't get so stressed about everything.  Was hoping to go away with her on the school holidays, but again, I haven't felt up to organizing it.  We have been out on day outings, which has been nice.  But I hate it that we haven't been away anywhere for approx. 2 years now, not even for a night.  We will, I am determined.  

Do you have any children?  If you don't mind me asking.  What sort of things do you enjoy doing?

I quite enjoy photography.  But depression has stopped me from figuring out what else I enjoy.  

What sort of work do you do?  I understand if you'd rather not give out too much information on here, I try no to give out too much information on here, because everyone can read it.  

I'm not able to work, due to PTSD.  

Thanks for chatting.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member 💕

I think "Community Guide" means we're the chattiest ones .... lol ....

You can ask questions of us and we may be able to guide you to some places in the forum to support your query.   Just lending a helping hand really ....

How are you today ?  I met you briefly on Beer Garden a couple of nights ago when we were going a bit silly ... or maybe stir-crazy ... on Saturday night ...

Its a bit quieter over there today, but some of the same people are around if you want to pop in and say another hello without getting spun out this time  .... 😊

[Former-Member]

Aww gee thanks @Former-Member, thats sweet of you to say. You are right too that people here are very caring, its lovely to see the support everyone is so willing to give when needed.

Yes tears are good to release, it only hurts more to keep them in. Tears do not mean you are dipping into self pity though, so I think you are wrong to think that way. I see it more as a certain strength.

I have always been very reluctant to allow my emotions to show, all my life really. However when undergoing trauma therapy the past year or so, it became impossible to keep all my emotions locked in. They needed an outlet ....... and out everything spilled. Embarrassingly so. But I am glad that I was finally able to do so. I had always felt that I was almost an emotionless robot sometimes.

These days I do show my emotions more than I have ever done before, even for everyday things through life - like crying in sad movies. Something I never used to do, I would remain stoic.

You are lucky to live near the beach. I am in rural NSW but live about half an hour from the nearest beach. Its nice.

I only commenced both ADs and Anti Anxiety meds since commencing trauma therapy too. I think I needed that little bit of support through a really difficult time during therapy.

Its easy to become discouraged when we dont feel as though improvement is coming fast enough despite our best efforts to make it work. And often it doesnt feel as though any progress is being made at all. And yet, when I look back to this time last year - I know there are some significant improvements. So I have to be happy with that I think. I know I am never going to be without this incessant anxiety, but I am getting better at coping with it.

No I dont have children of my own. I only married at 37 and my husband had been married before with 2 teenaged children. Part of the 'deal' was that he did not want any more children. But I get on well the the stepkids, a boy and a girl. And they each have children of their own now. I have 6 step-grandkids ranging in age from 17 down to 3. They are great, and I am treated just like one of their 'real' grandparents, which I very much appreciate.

What do I enjoy doing? Mmm difficult one. I used to love competing in sport of all sorts - athletics, squash, basketball, golf, etc. But since I suffered a back injury 17 years ago I have not been able to play sport since. I do try to do some Pilates exercises when I can though. And when I can, I like to walk a bit. Love to walk on the beach with my little dog.

I can understand you liking photograhpy. I like it too, although I am not very good at capturing great shots.

My work has varied a bit - but mainly accountancy, bookkeeping, admin, reception, payroll, pub manager, etc.

I am restricted to working no more than 10 hours per week though.

My current work is Bookkeeping, Accounts payable and recievable and Secretarial for a local Non-Profit organisation. Only a small company. And hours are very flexible, so I am lucky in that regard. If I am having a lousy day I can change my days and come in on a better day. I am also able to do a lot of work from home, which is very helpful too.

I dont want to have to give up work, even though I find it very difficult at times. I just need that distraction, a way of keeping things as normal as possible I guess.

Okay a sleep for me now. A nanna-nap to make up for lack of sleep last night.

Nice chatting to you Bridget. Thankyou.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your reply @Former-Member  It's 3pm already and I am so slow at getting out of the house again.  Need to do food shopping and hopefully go for a walk, if it's not raining. 

That's good that you are able to let your tears out, tears are healing.  I don't cry as much any more, but I used to cry every day.  

Will write more when I feel up to it, not much to say today.  Just wanted to say "hi".  

[Former-Member]

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope for explaining that. I had read elsewhere how the different levels were - ie Casual Contributor, Contributer, Senior Contributer. But never saw the Community Guide mentioned.

If I have any further questions I will direct them to a Community Guide.

I'm I little better this afternoon thanks, despite still being really tired. My high level of anxiety seems to be diminishing a little as the day goes on.

I might pop into the Beer Garden now to see if anybody is about at this time of day.  

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the 'Hi' @Former-Member.  

No rush to reply, just when you feel like it, okay?

I hope the rain stays away this afternoon, thus allowing you to get out for your walk.

There are some days I cry a lot, but mostly not so much any more.  Some days are just really hard.

You dont need to say much to be supportive Bridget.  Just knowing someone is there, is a comfort.  I dont really have any support in my real life.  

Please take care, and go easy on yourself.  Give yourself some 'slack' when you need it.

[Former-Member]

Just a quick "hi". @Former-Member 😀

Haven't chatted much on here today, been very tired.
Just popping in to see if you're ok?

Might chat tomorrow. Sleeptime. 😴💗

[Former-Member]

Hey @Former-Member, thanks so much for thinking of me.  Very much appreciated.  

Sorry to hear youve been really tired yesterday.  I have been too actually.

I just seem to be struggling more these past couple of days, and I'm not sure whats causing that.

Another busy day expected at my work today, so I will try to catch up with you later today/evening.

I hope you got a good rest last night and have awoken feeling re-invigorated and ready to tackle whatever today sends your way.

Please take care.

 

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Former-Member 😊🌷🌻🌸🌹🌼

I am just having a quick look around on here and noticed you there. 😀

I hope your day at work goes well and hope it's not a long day like last time and you stop for lunch. 😀 Sounding like a mummy here. 😀 Maybe that's why you've been struggling.??? 😯🌹

I better get moving for school drop off. Might catch you later. 💕