Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bythebootstraps]

I was sitting in my bed (feeling sorry for myself and howling), after several days of not knowing what was going to happen between my 29 year old son and I.

My youngest has been challenged by Schizophrenia, Hep C and problems with his health due to obesity for about 8 years now.
It's a slippery slope. I don't live with my son, thankfully he's in a subsidised govvie flat (scary address though). He's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, rehab, half-way houses, youth support accommodation, my place, his grandparents' place and even an afternoon in gaol.

I have had to send him home on a bus (with some help from my father), take an AVO out on him, call the police, mental health unit and ambulances.

Quite a different life to the one I imagined with a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, happy family holidays and loving phonecalls. Now I'd settle for an occasional "easy" phonecall and for him to have some quality of life.

I still don't really know how to navigate loving my son, but not liking his behaviour at times...one little bit. He blames me for his life and hates me some days and says I'm the best mother other days.

I feel like a failure as a parent. I am at present caring for my invalid mother while my father has radiotherapy for cancer and I feel like a washed-out dishrag.

Anyway...enough bitching! I must say, last night when I found this forum I was overwhelmed by your compassion for one another and your strength. I'm hoping that one day, I can be a help to another person struggling with a family member with difficult mental health issues, too.

Last night, I thought my son hated me, today, we're fine again! Weird!!

I'm glad that I found this forum. Hang tight and be kind to yourselves. 🙂

[Jacques]

Hi Their,

My Name is Jacques, i am 33 and i have been house bound with agoraphobia and seperation axiety for 14 years, living with my mother.

We have had many frustrating moments, my mother struggles to understand my anxiety and i struggle to help her understand how i am feeling and the impact on me of having to see people, for me and my mother it is more about misunderstandings and being unable to convey to each other the effect we have on each others lives.

i hope in the future you and your son are able to come to a peaceful compromise, dealing with people with schizophrenia is difficult, i have an aunt with it, and she is very triggering for me, i struggle to handle her outbursts.  a member on this site is @kenny66, he is living with the illness, maybe talking to him will give you some insight into the illness.

it is ok to seek outside help from forums like this, sometimes it can be a help and help carrers to find some peace and understanding.

i hope you find some help here, their are some great people one here, and i for one have found this forum very accepting.

wishing you well

Jacques

[Baboo]

A big Hello to you Bythebootstraps- and welcome to the forum.

Yes this is a great place to have your vent, ask questions or support some one else that may be struggling with issues you have dealt with before. Its all a wonderful supportive community in here- im glad you found it too.

Im sorry to read that you have the hard days with your son- but also happy to read that the bad days can change for the better on the following day. So this can give you hope.

What sorts of support do you have for yourself? Family or friends? GP or worker?

Its really important to take time out for ourselves when we are a carer for a loved one. Even if you can make your self some time for some thing special once a month it will recharge your batteries. i take myself out for my favourite lunch once a week and walk on my own. 2 days a week by myself with no chaos and responsibility really helps calm my mind 🙂

Baboo

[kenny66]

Schizophrenia if very difficult to live with. Establishing feelings of self worth aand confidence is hard because often the schizophrenic does not know who they are.

There really are no easy answers with it. I find that you can be bubbling along fine and all of a sudden end up in care again with no warning.

I don't have violence issues but my flatmate who has paranoid schizophrenia does occasionally but these are managed quite well by medication and admission.

The obesity I think is just a feature of low self esteem. I have MI mates who don't look after themselves like they should.

Some over eat or eat rubbish and have a bad diet. Some have issues with hygiene, or like myself, forget to eat.

Time out is an important feature of relationships, both parental and others, in managing schizophrenia and sometimes it is just not practical to live with them.

I cant imagine what it would be like for a non MI person to live with me, with all the hallucinations and the like.

It is very hard for someone to get into the head of a schizophrenic, even health professionals, even my psych, who is very good but sometimes has a total misunderstanding of whats going on.

I have no relationship with my family, but if I did I think it would have to be by phone, not in person, because of my uneven behaviour.

I definitely know my parents don't love me, so your son is lucky that he has a mother that cares for him.

Sometimes love has to be at a distance to reduce the hurt to all concerned. Its still Love though

Kenny

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Bythebootstraps

I am glad you shared your story.  I can identify with both you and your son in different ways.  Self protection is important as it is no use anybody being retraumatised. My mum had to take AVO's out on my violent brother with BPD but forget to take them out for me and my kids .. hmmm ... I loved them both greatly but am very damaged now and my son sustained most fall out .. my daughters flew the family coop.

I am inadequately diagnosed but they (doctors) managed to find out about my hep B decades after I had forgotten all about it .. that has clear medical markers ...

I am probably on a schizophrenic spectrum .. self diagnosis now: schizotypal with a few other co-morbid factors I am sure. Both parents and one sister were diagnosed with schizophrenia and I married a schizophrenic etc etc ... I tend to unconsciously, but now more deliberately normalise aberrant behaviours, or at least try to understand them rather than reject them.  My world is topsy turvy in many ways. I am also a singer, musician, writer and piano teacher.

Reading family therapy has helped me a lot. I take a psychodynamic approach to MI as that is the lense of my first degree. But that does not mean I believe family are to blame.  I never blamed my mother but her paranoia and mother guilt made our relationship extra difficult. Social life is far more porous than that.  Just go to a school or a kids party.

Your son probably does love you on his good days  It is very difficult .. the other side of love is hate .. but the affect and umbilical cord connection is there for mothers .. he cannot contain the contradictory feelings in his mind and body. I only hope to live and let live, but that is an improvement for me.  Good luck. Welcome.

[Bythebootstraps]

Thanks Jacques for your help and I hope that you are able to overcome your challenges soon.

[Bythebootstraps]

Thanks Baboo. Yup...trivia on a Wednesday night and turn my phone off, dog walking and learning to not answer the phone or hang up, if I need to, all help.

[Bythebootstraps]

Kenny, your post almost had me in tears, because of the way you have expressed yourself. Like my son, you are an insightful, articulate and clever person. It seems to me that most of the people I have met with this diagnosis are too and very strong to keep holding on and moving forward. It's such a shame that you, my son and others have to deal with all of the difficulties associated with Schizophrenia. I am so sad that you believe your parents don't love you. My son can drive me crazy and I don't like how he behaves and what he says sometimes and he is very changeable. But even so, it'would be almost impossible for me not to love him. I hope and pray that you and my son will be able to restore your fractured relationships.

Thanks again for all the time you took to encourage me. 🙂

[Bythebootstraps]

Thanks Appleblossom. Another person with mental health challenges who is articulate and thoughtful!!!! All the best.

[Baboo]

😄 I love dog walking ❤️