Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Appleblossom]

This has probably been covered before, but can anyone reccomend me to sites or books on setting boundaries for my adult son probably living with MI. I have difficulty knowing what appropriate boundaries are.  My tendency is to get people off the hook and normalise weird behaviour oh oh.

[Former-Member]

Hi Appleblossom,

A book that I found helpful is "Where To Draw The Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine, M.A. It has really down to earth examples and she has a caution at the beginning for people in difficult relationships to consider. 

Another book which I found helpful was "Codependency For Dummies" by Darlene Lancer. It helped me realise the potential I had to try to be spaghetti person adapting my shape to the needs of others. 

I also would be interested to know if anyone has read these books what they thought of them.

Thanks.

[Kiera80]

One book you can try reading is called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger and another really good one is called 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Boundaries is also available on dvd.  There is a bit of humour thrown in with the serious stuff but the message really gets across.

You may also be able to download them as ebooks.

If you can find a good counsellor they would be able to give you lots of suggestions for setting boundaries in particular situations and you can even role play with them to give you confidence with real life situations.  I have found that it helped me when you re-enact things that have happened in the real world so you know next time what to do and what not to do.

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

love your spahetti person image. 

For years I read everything I could find on MI subjects. For the last decade I have been just focussed on my son and getting me a life.  He felt threatened when he saw me reading books that were about Aspergers, his first diagnosis, but his doctor did say it was a "political" diagnosis. Whatever that means.

Thanks I will look up books.

@Kiera80

Thanks for your post I will check those as well.

[Former-Member]

---

@Appleblossom wrote:

@Former-Member

love your spahetti person image. 

Sadly an image I am familiar with. I like your focus on getting yourself a life. That is something I am trying to do. 

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

I use "turning myself into a pretzel" to describe a similar feeling and situation.

Getting a life was hard.  It took a while as I raged against the injustices and tragedies in my life to even want a life or have any idea what it might look like. 

Ego Boundaries are often merged some of the time in close intimate relationships.  My sense of self was wrapped up in family, but I was also busy working, studying.  I did not have opinions and did not socialise much as i was too shy and nothing to say.. But the inescapable logic that it was better for kids to see me happy than sad or mad won.

Now I feel I have a few things to say and hope I know when to stop.

When I was learning conducting, my lecturer had to get me to work on endings.  I found that revealing.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom,

---

@Appleblossom wrote:

@Former-Member

I use "turning myself into a pretzel" to describe a similar feeling and situation.

Getting a life was hard.  It took a while as I raged against the injustices and tragedies in my life to even want a life or have any idea what it might look like. 

Ego Boundaries are often merged some of the time in close intimate relationships.  My sense of self was wrapped up in family, but I was also busy working, studying.  I did not have opinions and did not socialise much as i was too shy and nothing to say.. But the inescapable logic that it was better for kids to see me happy than sad or mad won.

Now I feel I have a few things to say and hope I know when to stop.

When I was learning conducting, my lecturer had to get me to work on endings.  I found that revealing.

---

I get where you are coming from with this reply. I am also trying to voice my own opinions and preferences. When I started to focus on this I noticed people saying to me that I like something and I would think no that is not what I like that is what I was doing to try to make/keep my partner happy. I have read that women are more inclined to "tend and befriend" than "fight and flight". I need to learn how to fight fair. Stop taking the hits (emotional not physical) without getting in to a full on boxing match. This is why it is important to me to try to understand good boundaries. 

Curious though what you mean by "conducting". Are you studying music?

[Appleblossom]

yes I did half a BMus in the 90s didnt finish that hmmm .. never mind I have lots of music in my life now

[Appleblossom]

I like your idea about enacting things. My ex husband and I both did psychodrama, in early 1990s not together, but we each would do a personal development course and alternate with the other one at home with kids.  In some ways our marriage was about MI more than each other. 

I did have a terrible bitterness that things did not work out in my marriage and family, but I cant live in the bitterness, I have to concentrate on the positive. I also worry that that makes me a bit delusional, with a silly false happiness.

Therapy and counselling have been a steady commitment and expense since my early 20s. (That is 35 years) I could not afford high frequency but it was ongoing and in a range of modalities.The first 20 years or so I always saw psychiatrists, the last 15 years I shifted to psychologists. I could not get much clarity about any one interaction. There were just too many things happening at once, for too many years. I kept hoping I would find time and the person who would help me sift through stuff, but most counselling sessions have glossed over things. I dont think it has been a waste of time or money, but it has not been neat.

Recently, my GP said I had a counselling addiction. Frankly I started thinking I would be having nice chats with nice ladies to enable them to take their kids on overseas trips with government funding.

Boy would I have liked to travel with my daughter, but the timing was not right. I had a few nice interstate driving holidays with my son. Enough so that he decided that we did not need to the "holiday" thing any more. He knows that travel went overboard with the girls. I am fortunate that he decided at a late age (16) to do music .. so we do that, and I am grateful.  He has just come in and given me a hug and said he is too tired to do music now. I know I ramble .. good night.

[NikNik]

Hi @Appleblossom

I'm glad you started this thread - boundaries are so important! It's easy to talk about, but sometimes enforcing them can be hard and take practice. I really like the role playing idea to get  comfortable with having the difficult conversations you can come across when setting boundaries.

I saw somewhere you mentioned you did a counselling course. Boundaries are so important in counselling! I have also talked to other members about putting in boundaries with these forums too. I saw somewhere that you mentioned that sometimes reading people's stories here can impact you - so it's important that when you notice this type of thing, you put in boundaries in place to protect yourself.

That's kinda my criteria for boundaries... when I feel like something or someone is making me feel... crap/moody/down/*insert other negative emotions*  that's a trigger for me to stop myself and try and sort out my boundaries and minimise the risk of that something or someone impacting me further.

Great topic of discussion!