A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

[Owlunar]

@Emelia8 

Hi Em

I don''t know what you said that caused you more problems - I haven't been in much - and not because I am not well but rather getting my life running again takes pacing myself and attending to the bitznpiecez of my life I let go when I was in so much pain

And I still find it hard to use my computer - I never noticed my left shoulder hurting more until I tore the tendon - back in May - I lost 2 1/2  months because I fell on my dodgy shoulder and at least I had the COVID crisis and the bung wing in the same year - but still

I read your poems - they say a lot and I particularly felt interested in your question

Why have I lost my sense of self, despite all of this?

I don't know why you have experienced so much tragedy in your life - but for the years of trouble I had with my son I feel that I was meant to be his mother and his adoption was something he had to endure - it added to his story and somehow I felt I had failed when he died - now I am sure I did more than most other people could have - and more than his birth mother was able - and counting it all up I am proud of what I did for a troubled child who happened to be a child I decided to keep - and a lot of things in the system were changed because of him.

So moving on - for you - it is an existential question and hard to answer and it seems you have been unable to find peace - possibly because there has been so much heartache and loss - and your suffering continues - so I get it - it's hard for you to know why your life still matters - but it does

Have you thought that you might be here and therefore important for you to be here is something unusual - but something I heard once? Are you here to be the witness - the one to tell the story - and you are telling the story - and I am one listening - and other people here are listening - and those who have gone are honoured by being part of your story and each other's stories

Your self-hatred is another thing I am not at all sure I can answer - I have thought a great deal about that sort of thing and there is a thread of mine somewhere in this forum that I started and struggled with and left behind though I continue to consider - we all have to learn to be our own best friend and you have been punished through life as well as having so much loss - and they are different things

I am sure you have been punished enough and there is not need to hate yourself but you do and I hear that - and I am sorry you feel like that. However you are not alone feeling that way - I learned many people with Mental Health Issues hate themselves - and I think - the more a person hates themself the less they need to feel that way

It is my wish you could overcome how you feel 

DecBest thoughts

[Maggie]

@Emelia8  💙💙💙💙

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Emelia8 and @Maggie 

[eth]

Many s from me too @Emelia8   It's always good to see you come back, every time I'm on the forums I look for you.  Personally I think it's natural that so many varied people here will occasionally have different opinions, and I'd be very surprised if you are at risk of being excluded from the forums.  You are valued and appreciated here and despite what you go through yourself you always give heartfelt support to others.  I hope that gives you a sense of worth and purpose.  Your poems resonate within me deeply as we share the many years of recurrent traumas.  Take care lovely xx

[WIP]

Hi @Emelia8 

I don't know what I could say to make you feel better at this point In time. I can hear you are

still very raw and cautious with your feelings. So, I'm sending you some gentle hugs ❤️❤️❤️

we enjoy you here on the forums, it's really nice to hear back from you again.

Please take care of yourself best you can 💖

[Snowie]

@Emelia8 beautiful words hun.

Am hoping you are going ok 

Love and hugs 💟

[NatureLover]

Dear @Emelia8 , I always check your thread, every day, but am also enjoying catching up with you elsewhere... 

[Former-Member]

Good morning dear Em, I hope you got some decent sleep last night. You know what's funny Kimmy hasn't spoken to anyone and popped out while my other child alter was playing with glitter last nigh and left her message and didn't even speak to hubby., I guess we know who her favourite people are. lol Thank you for you note to her, I did read it out loud which is the way the child alters hear what they need to. Also for your kind words to me, I guess after 40ish years of being told you are not worthy of anything that it is going to leave a mark and won't be resovled  easily.

Hoping you are enjoying your family time, I feel for you because I agree that visitors are lovely but a lot of work. Chat to you soon my gorgeous friend. Sending you all my love and a little more. @Emelia8 

[outlander]

 @Emelia8 

[Eve7]

@Emelia8 

Dearest Emelia, I know you have decided to stay away from the forum and I’m pretty sure I saw what upset you. I just hope you are still reading the posts addressed to you from those of us who live and care about you.

i find your support and wisdom so gracefully shared with so many remarkable. You are really one of the standout people on this forum but I know that you are also one of the most hurt.

You are precious, vakiued and important and I miss you. As you said to me recently “ don’t hide away”. Please come back.