Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone

I've been suffering mental illness for a while (years) and have been doing everything for everyone over the past 30 years of my married life.  If it wasn't for the kids (which I don't mind doing) it is for my husband or for his mum or for my parents (when they were talking to me).  It was me for everyone else except myself.

So now I feel that I want and need to have time to myself.  And not just an hour here and there.  I would love to go away for a night or weekend just on my own.  Wake up when i want, eat when and what I want and just do things that i want to do without worrying about anyone else.

But the problem is - how? How do I go away or even bring up the idea to my husband.  He will think something is wrong, he will think I want to leave our marriage.  We have always done everything together and that is probably my fault. Because I think that growing up I always wanted someone with me. 

I would love to just hop on a plane and go someone on my own, just some time to myself to be me.

The only time this has ever happened was when i was admitted to a mental health facility and I was there for 2 weeks.  It was heaven.  I could do what I wanted (more or less), joined in groups, acitivies.  I was allowed to go for walks on my own; I was able to stay in my own room during the day if I wanted to; I was able to just sit with a coffee at the cafe at the hospital. I was able to just be me.  

That is why I so much want to go back in there.  I can regroup myself, refocus on life, things that are important.  I can just be on my own.

I'm not saying I want to leave my husband or children, that I don't think I want. I just want to be free a little for some of the time.

But I don't know how to get this across to my husband.  Now I am feeling anxious and teary because I feel that I am to blame; that I should be home with him and the kids. 

I just wish soimetimes I could just run away and be on my own.

Any advice would be great.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay,

I'm so sorry to hear how anxious and teary you are feeling- just at the thought of spending a day or two alone! I think everyone feels like this at time to time... I know I do! 

I think sometimes life just passes us by, as you say- with all the responsibilities that adulthood brings- and we forget who we really are and what our purpose is. We live to support and care for everyone else. Taking some time away to get back to yourself is not a selfish thing to do at all. In fact the break will probably refresh you and make you a better version of yourself; more able to deal with the stressors and frustrations that life can bring!

I wonder if suggesting to your husband that for Mother's Day or your next birthday or something like that, that your present can be a night away at some lovely B&B in the country or something like that? Letting him know that you've heard others have done this and found it really refreshing... Just to have a break and get away from it all. Or are there other ways that you are able to get away, perhaps? Visiting family interstate, doing volunteering in the country, things like that might be a better excuse to get some peace and quiet? 

@Appleblossom, @Drac0, @Former-Member, or @Mazarita.. Any thoughts/ideas?

[Former-Member]

Hi sad girl I'm a single mum and have no family support and there are days I just want to run away and find some time to b on my own.. I don't have any advice on how to tell your husband but maybe you could ask him to go with you to an appointment with your psychologist? And talk to him there about everything and have some back up if it's hard to explain clearly...
Lj

[Appleblossom]

Isnt it ironic that your time out had to be in a mhu.

These days many women and many couples are accepting the need for individual time in long term relationships and marriages.

Think of the Prophet and the wind between the trees .. in his poem on marriage.

I know a lady who goes to her holiday house alone every weekend, keeps it spotless, and then musters up the energy to go home and live with 4 blokes .. she has 3 adult boys ... cant say I blame her.

Maybe you can find some nice retreats .. and reassure hub when you get back .. how much you still love him.

Or just a weekend away ... for a bush walk or a show.  I know couples who fly to Sydney for a weekend. 

I have just booked a weekend music workshop.  January was my first full week away from family in 30 years .. it makes sense to be able to rejuvenate a relationship.

[Drac0]

I think a couple of days somewhere that you can be pampered & do things at your own pace will beat a couple of weeks in hospital anytime @BlueBay. Only you don't get the medical attention you may need at any given time. And maybe you feel the need for the structure that being in hospital has. I don't know.

I thought of those weekend spa/retreat places but they can be so expensive. But then I thought, like @Former-Member (love that name), maybe a B&B somewhere in the country or along the coast. Where you can sleep late, take walks, treat yourself & do a bit of tourist stuff in a relaxed atmosphere.

Or maybe find somewhere to go & do something you like. I have some friends who are into craft & scrapbooking. Every now & then they go on a weekend 'camp' with a group just to spend time socialising & doing crafty things.

I really don't know how you talk to your hubby about something like this. Been alone so long it's not an issue I've had to face. But maybe you can explain that you need a couple of days, a weekend, just to recharge your batteries. And perhaps he might need to do something similar as well - it hasn't been an easy time for him either.

I hope someone has some better ideas for you on how to deal with this.

In the meantime, take care & stay safe.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Drac0@Appleblossom@Former-Member@Former-Member for your advice and suggestions.

It is ironic @Appleblossom that two years ago I had to go into a mhu just to get some time to myself and that was the very first time away from my husband for any length of time in our 30 years of marriage. 

And do you know how I felt - fantastic, great, free.  And that says a lot.

I don't even know who I am anymore, what do I want in my life; how do I want my life to be??? All these questions and I have no answer to - and it makes me really depressed and sad and teary.

@Drac0 a nice retreat or weekend away being pampered would be nice - but it's the financial cost and then I would feel guilty for spending so much money on me. I know it's not right to think like that but I just feel like I am going round in circles.

I have no hobbies, although I do yoga not very often because of the cost.  Why does everything have to be around cost??

I am so lost in my life. I have never said this before but I really don't know what I want.

If only my GP and psych would understand how much I need a break and just go into the mhu; even for a week. But they won't put me in. 

You know a weekend away in a BB would be nice - but I feel so guilty in doing it.  I need to get rid of this guilty.  I think it's because i am a 'people pleaser' and I always put everyone else first and making sure they are all happy - at my own cost. It's crazy to be like this and now I can see it but I still don't know how to fix it.

Well apart from running away (that's one way of fixing it) but it would hurt my husband and kids so much. But the thought is there all the time. Maybe it's just the freedom I want, the flexibility of doing what i want and when i want. and to be alone just for a day or two.

I don't know, it all sounds too hard. 😞

[BlueBay]

I just said to hubby if he wants to go for a drive to a back beach and we could walk along there.  His response - oh no, then we'll have to pay for entrance to the national park where the beach is.

So I said, well you think of somewhere to go then and I grabbed the newspaper and starting reading that.  He then sat on the couch and fell asleep!!!

WTF - what am I supposed to do. 

So now I am pissed off with him because he can never make a choice, or decisoon of where to go or what to do.

So I guess we'll do nothing now.  May as well go to bed and sleep for the day, my motivation has plummeted now to wanting to do nothing.  😞

Still waiting for him to decide where to go - at this rate we'll be doing nothing.  I am sick of making decisions, why can't he just come up with an idea and then we do it. 😞

[Former-Member]

Oh dear that's frustrating! Maybe you could go to the beach on your own for a walk instead? Or just a walk around the neighbourhood where you live?
Hope you do something nice today
Lj

[Drac0]

Sounds like you're looking for a break from the constant feeling that you have to care for everyone else first, rather than putting yourself on the top spot. But guess what. It's ok to think of yourself.

Maybe you need to think about setting some boundaries about what you do, giving yourself time to care about your own needs. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. You can't care for other people properly if you don't take care of yourself too.

"You can’t neglect your own needs for the sake of meeting someone else’s. It doesn’t matter how much you love a person or how long you’ve known them. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a family member, a roommate, a best friend, or a romantic interest — your needs are important and they matter. You matter, and you deserve to make your needs a priority. That doesn’t mean disregarding the needs and feelings of others. It means communicating with honesty, listening, being compassionate, setting boundaries, and finding a middle ground where both parties can be there for each other without compromising themselves. Don’t settle for anything less. It’s too painful. And you don’t need any more pain in your life. You need to take care of yourself, and if that means letting certain people go because their needs force you to sacrifice your own, then you have to let them go."

— Daniell Koepke

Maybe I'm way off with this. Only you know @BlueBay.

Stay safe.

[BlueBay]

Hey @Drac0 and @Former-Member

I have never put myself first because if I do I will feel so guilty. So how do I get rid of this guilty feeling? I have no idea.  You are right @Drac0 I do need a break from looking after everyone else.  My kids are old enough to look after themselves (24,23,20) and I know they will be fine. And hubby will be fine too. But I think it's because i have never done this before that I am finding it hard to do or even talk to him about it.

And I am sure that my family will think it is strange that there mum wants to go away on her own. I struggle so much with boundaries set for me let alone me set them for others and myself.

What you wrote @Drac0 makes so much sense. But I still don't know how. I am stuck

My son came home before and the three of us went down the street for a coffee.  It was not what I was expecting, I wanted to go out for the whole day but oh no that never happened.

@Drac0 how do I accept that "it's okay to think of myself" before others.  I think it is my fault becuase all my married life I have never done things for myself, always my husband with me. Even grocery shopping he will come with me. I'm not saying it's not nice to have him help me - but - sometimes I just want to be alone.