Lived Experience Forum

[PeppiPatty]

Im working hard at not freaking out and not paniking.

Not calling my mother. Dont call her. She will forever dissappiont me.I will be dissappointed all the time and I've got to stop playing that game of keeping her calm.

I went to visit my son today with my husband. All that 'good enough parenting and he's taking illegal substances...he's had diffeent stuff as well as green and .......hanging around with people who might not be good for his daily wellbeing........

He is tossing up whether to live with me or not....we

we are on waitmode when he thinks about his next move. 

I said that if he moves in he can't be using that green.

What do you do ?

how do you feel when you hear of people like my son using it so much? He has had years of problems with medical stuff in his head ......

He doesnt go for his appiontments. All that.....hard hard......strenuous work I will never recover from and it feels...wiped away. 

It is good or bad for their long term wellbeing?

Should I not care? He GROwled at me when I freaked (just a little) when I saw how he was on green. He told me not to tel lhim what to do. 

It's very tiring.

[Appleblossom]

You def have the right to limit illicit substances in your own home.  He is free to organise alternative accomodation.

[Former-Member]

I agree, you do not have to have things in your home that you dont want (illegal or otherwise - ie. if he had five pet anacondas! hehe). You could also take the approach that it could affect your housing rights if someone got caught - i.e. could you lose your place if there was an inspection? etc 

I dont think all your past work is wiped away, the learning and ideas of health and better living are still in there, hopefully he will decide to find that again at some point, but at that age, its up to him

Hugs

LJ

[Appleblossom]

It is sad @PeppiPatty when grown young men choose to use substances to blank out their feelings.  Find your own way to give a sense of nurture if it is giving him a roof for a while .. or help get another place ..

I watched my mother struggle with it with my brother.

I had my own little freak out (internal) ... when my son chose to not show up for a stage rehearsal ... but made it just in tme for performance ... and could only manage a sheepish ... "I had a funny feeling" .. but he did eventually show.    maybe he was yanking the umbilical cord .. and maybe I have to tougher in cutting it ... but I really wanted him to have last night.. no point telling him off.

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @lisajane and @Appleblossom

Yeah, he has decided to move in with me and husband_

He says just for a month or so but Im sort of delighted because ;

No using  green here.

I read all these notes from my friend @Hobbit last night, on using illegal substances and how his Mum dealt with him....

My Mum seems to have an allergic reaction to visiting me.

She actually Never thinks of me and has actually addressed it and sort of apologised about 13 years ago. When my son moved in with her, for 5 years, he was not encouraged to telephone me...or more like; you better call your Mother in a very grouchy voice so he wouldnt call me. 

She found out from her friend that he was coming to live with me and I get a message from her that shes pleased to hear that he's coming to stay with me.

How stressful,

then....... shes coming to visit me.

I wonder if shes coming to see me?? lol 

It's difficult to stay on the straight and narrow with memories from the past isnt it Apple?

I think that your son will naturally break the apron strings but maybe not yet?? Please dont yell at him.....my son ran away from my Mum because of her yelling. 

@Former-Member I like very much that your working, you are setting down good patterns for your children.  Do you feel this too? 

I have huge stress regarding my oldest son but Im glad I've told him that he is taking advantage of my good nature.

Also my youngest son will not tell me anything of his medical appiontments and I reminded him of how it has completely ruled my life and changed me and it's fine if he wants to live his life like this but;

he is also negating my good work Ive done for him in the past. So he said that I can come with him to his next MRI appiontment. 

[PeppiPatty]

I understand!! My Mum is going to force a confrontation with my youngest son!! 

This is her pattern.

Oh dear. 

[Appleblossom]

I think you are right .. we are just trying to get things organised for when he is ready ... I was encouraging him not to go through the hassle of shaving ... as it is no longer a 'short back and sides' world .. and the arty look ... is fine with shadow or scruff ... I try and make things easy for him ... but still have expectations. No I dont yell at my son Peppi ... lol ... its funny cos I dont think you realise how BIG his voice is ... I wouldnt have a hope, just be drowned out. I am glad your son is trusting you to go the docs with him ... go to some and extend trust with the rest is my approach. Can you "breezily" keep your mum to the coffee thing, not at your home, and have to be going somewhere else after? I trusted my mum with my daughter ... so in that regard we had a similar situation of betrayal of trust in our motherhood.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Appleblossom......

Is his arty look something that he has asked you? It's so hard......I'm in the exact same position in that my son.....Irish name and cool....has decided not to comb his hair anymore and takes great pride in telling me and husband that he does'nt brush his hair anymore..........

Do you tell them to take more care in their look or not??

When my son was really really ill, my male friend, only friend...move din with me and he used to stand outside the bathroom and tell him that he's listening to how long he brushes his teeth and making sure he combs his hair. It was very hard on me to live with this man who .....was incredibly unusual but we both had the same need to....get my son through school , get him braces and get him through school the best way we could. 

this vibrant young man of......22 in one or two months working in an .....elite suburb does'nt comb his hair anymore.........

I don't call my Mum anymore, I've been told by my support friend not to and limit contact but to the once a month coffee. She rang me this morning to confirm the coffee date and told me of two GORgeous lounges parked down the street outside a home, leather and gorgeous and Im asking her if she could ask them if they could just park them in their front garden and boy, did she absolutely YELL at me. I was frozen in shock....these narcissistic rages are so upsetting. 

It would have cost her $40 to get a cab to bring them to me but I missed out.......I am so scared of her. My husband is absolutely still......trying to get used to living where we live......and I have decided to put together a lovely folio of rooms I love on the computer for the secretary of the community place I frequent.....She just bought a home in a nearby little ...'town,' I will never tell her that I trained in the same place that the councellor of the community place trains. But I feel special that I am working out how to live my own little life well doing my bits and pieces......very similar to you. 

Little bits and pieces that I dunno, make you feel worthwhile. I am going to plan a day to start paper macheing little doll house furniture......I need to atke it slowly. It is very difficult to do anything when poor husband is trying to cope and I am dedicated to keeping this home reasonably stress free. 

xx Anne