How to live with absence

[Elac]

Hi @Krishna 

Your post made me realised that maybe your girl had to hit rock bottom it seems (catatonic) to seek help and yes 10 years of wandering along with illness is a long time. But she did survive. The recovery may possibly also take a long time. It does not make it any easier for you nor her of course, and she possibly have no capacity for any thing else, unfortunately for your own need of connection. I love the fact that you can send texts and care packages, that is still connection.

Maybe my son will reach out when he somehow knows he needs to. He did so when he reached out the first time to get a mental health assessment. Unfortunately he refused medication and his illness was considered too "mild" for an order. So off he went. I do know that the longer the illness goes untreated, the worse it evolves. So i am sad and worried.

I hope he is encountering kindness somehow rather than nastiness but I suppose he probably does not see the world like I do so what I would consider kindness or nastiness may be totally different for him.

I think that beyond the physical abscence and deafening silence, the fact that I do not think or feel that I can understand his worldview is deeply troubling me. Maybe we are now on different planets with no language in common, alienated from one another.

Is hope for a future actually a way to hurt myself. Should I rather work on acceptance of what is.

Or should I trust that despite his illness, he is also a person that has good survival skills. 

I am gratefulo be in a society that has some safety nets despite some limitations and too often prejudices

He has been talented at living simply so that would be an asset to him if that capacity is still there.

My longing for connection needs to be expressed (and is), but maybe it does not involves him and that what i have to learn to live with.

Do you find that connecting with others help with the lack of connection with your daughter?

Enjoy your garden and nature. Spring will come.

[Krishna]

Hi @Elac Rock bottom for my girl was inevitable sadly, despite 7 hospitalisations over the past 10years. In the past she would be treated with meds for a few weeks and then discharged either into our care or a friends couch. Medications weren't taken regularly if at all and the downward spiral would continue. Ironically, becoming catatonic, despite the severity of that situation, has been her saving Grace where she is now receiving the care and support needed. And yes it's a long slow process of getting the right balance with the medications she is on and learning to live somewhat independently. 2 steps forward 10 steps back at present but from my girls experiences over the years (the ones that I'm aware of) I know she is a survivor and it sounds like your son too has this strength. The deep ache of not seeing her or hearing her voice sits firmly in my chest but knowing she is safe gives me a little peace at least. All those years of not knowing her whereabouts caused so much anguish and I truly feel for you. I too hope that in your sons day to day interactions, he is being treated with kindness. People can be cruel. I've become quite reclusive over these past years but still extend kindness and compassion to whoever I meet along the way. We all have our stories. Keeping in touch with a few of my girls closer friends from better days is my way of having a connection with her. They too haven't seen or heard from her for a very long time. Nobody has, not friends or family and I'm grateful that I can ring her support team anytime to see how she is travelling. I just have to remain patient and keep the lines of communication open. I really hope your son reaches out to you soon Elac and you find some peace ☮️. Take good care of yourself xx

[Elac]

@Krishna 

Reading your post I can feel that your girl is solidly living in your heart.

Your sentence "The deep ache ... sits firmly in my chest" also evokes a treasure chest in my quirky mind.

Some days, like you, I grieve the loss and absence; some days I relish the initial love that will not die and causes the grief. I then honour the love.

You seem to have a lovely connection to empathy for others. You mentioned before about sending her care packages. I am curious about this.

Would you talk a bit more about them?

Take care

[Krishna]

Good morning @Elac  Yes I send care packages every few weeks. They generally include little things like rosemary and lavender from my garden, nice handmade soaps a friend makes (to encourage her to shower), a candle to light her way, toiletries, chocolates and a letter with photos sometimes. Just little things to hopefully brighten her day. 

[Elac]

That sounds lovely.

Do you know from the staff how she reacts to these?

Have you tried, with their support, to introduce some interaction via these care packages such as a little card where she could tick or circle out of 2 ot 3 the type of chocolate or the soap scent she'd prefer next time?

Something very simple that would not be overwhelming but empowering even at a small level.

She clearly not up to writing you a long letter but she might be able to do that.

I wish I could do something, anything for my son. Maybe in lieu of this I need to explore if there are associations making care package for people in need of them. It may help me actually.

Thanks for sharing and take good care of yourself.

[Krishna]

Hi @Elac I'm told my girl is happy to receive my gifts. Staff try to encourage a simple "thanks" txt or perhaps just a thank you card to no avail. My girl is back in hospital again for the past 2 weeks as she had been secreting her nightly meds for some time as levels were zero and support workers could see she was spiralling downwards. Not showering, not eating, just sleeping. As per usual is refusing communications or visits. I'm praying they can convince her of the importance of her medication as next step would be a psychiatric hospital for a solid length of time. I'm able to ring the hospital for updates on her progress or lack of but otherwise my hands are tied. Such a roller coaster for my girl and my husband and I. But I agree, helping others is really important when you can't help your own.

[Elac]

Hello @Krishna 

Yes very tough and such a long road.

You have allies in the staff, they are doing amazing work that I am sure has many untold challenges.

You do have a positive impact on her if she is pleased to receive your parcels; it might not seem much (and certainly not enough) at times but I am sure it does matter.

Make sure you look after yourself in all this, endurance requires good maintenance.

I had good levels of energy today and did a lot, which is a moral boost in its own way.  I think that for some reason I am just accepting the situation at the moment without blame or hope for change, simply because it is not in my hands. The image of an even keel comes to my mind, maybe because not hearing from him actually calms the waters. I was finding difficult to manage the things I had or want to do, but at the moment I feel some level of peace and this has an incredible impact on how I can manage my life. Not sure what i did or did not do but that is really an observation of this last week or so.

Maybe gathering strengths before a storm, but if a storm is brewing somewhere, I might as well gather strength.

I noticed my almond tree and the early peach starting to flower, Spring is coming! This is possibly part of my optimism.

In any case I will enjoy it.

Here for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2ArtWFNTqM

Enjoy

[Krishna]

@Elac   Good advice my friend. Acceptance arrives some days and yes that feeling of peace accompanies it. I too have had increased energy levels this past week, getting jobs done, being busy, helps. And yes signs of Spring and renewal are present, the cycle of impermanence. So I will continue to keep the lines of communication open with my girl and try to remain optimistic that our relationship, in time, will be rekindled. My garden is my anchor that keeps me grounded and feeling blessed that I have a lovely 1/4 acre block in a rural village to keep me occupied. Life goes on xx

[Elac]

How are you doing this week?

For me it has been a bit of a mixed bag.

trying to keep a positive outlook can be a challenge in this News cycle but I am also progressing some projects and managing to do things I never thought I could do.  I had some breakthough on changing sash cords on double hung windows by just going slowly, observing, reflecting and trying a bit at a time. Not finished, picking up the cord tomorrow from click and collect but amazed that I am actually feeling confident that I can do it.

I have learnt things i did not know were a thing :-0

Hidden and organic learning is a sweet thing

Hope you had a good week

[Elac]

@Krishna 

Thinking of you

How are things at the moment?